Banishing Sad Amy

I haven’t been myself lately. I’m not really sure why. It could be because I no longer have my job. It could be because I’m stuck in the house all day with a little tiny tornado. It could be because our funds are low due to the lack of job. It could be the no shopping because of lack of funds. It could be the fact that I watched all the seasons of Cake Boss on Netflix in like 2 days. It could be the feeling of silent rejection as not one of the numerous jobs I’ve applied for has called me back. It could be the fact that I feel like this house is never going to get clean no matter how much we do. It could be that we’re trying to stretch a gallon of milk, because we can’t afford to go by another until next Tuesday, between two people which wouldn’t be a problem for most people but I live off cereal and Josh is to milk what Cookie Monster is to cookies. He’s a milk monster.

Ok, sorry, I’m rambling. But the point is that I don’t feel like myself. Yesterday Josh even said, “You are totally bumming me out. If you look it up, there’s a picture of you under “sad” in the Webster’s dictionary.” Yep. That’s me. It’s so bad I’m not even excited about Christmas. Like seriously. Christmas is my holiday. I’m usually aching to have the tree up already, but not this year. Not yet, at least. I’m not sure what is going on exactly. It could be all of the above. But I’m determined to be happier. Not exactly sure how that’s going to work. I guess I’m just going to wing it and see where I land. But no more Sad Amy. No more. She’s being banished from this house. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve that I hope will work. I’ll keep you posted. Until then, here’s a cat:

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Tears and love

I feel too much. Not many people know or realize this fact, but Josh, well, he’s more than well aware of it. He knows if I hear something sad I’m going to deal with it in my usual way: get sad, probably cry, get frustrated, get mad, and then accept and try and make a rational conclusion about it. I do it every time. I cry for people I don’t know when they lose a loved one. I cry even worse when it is someone I know or, worse, someone I love. I get sad on anniversaries of things, like Friday was my Grandma’s birthday. And Josh knew what to expect. After 6 years, he knows.

Friday was a prime example of my feeling too much. It was a sad day for me. I had been sad about it for days before and then it got here. I surprisingly handled it well. No tears for my Grandma this year. No tears over her missing out on Ellabelle (well not on Friday anyways). Then I got a text while at work. Josh’s good friend had something awful happen to him – his wife of only 10 days had died suddenly. Josh let me know, and, surprisingly, I was fine. So, I kept working and didn’t think much of it, mostly because I couldn’t let myself think about it. Then I got a text from Josh that said, “I can’t stop shaking. Trying not to cry.” The fact that he was upset said a lot. Josh never gets upset. So I got up and called him. Then, there in the stairwell of the second floor of the Gateway building, it started. The tears. 

I hate crying in front of people especially at work. I’ve only done it one other time back when I worked at Red Lobster, but it was awful. But they came anyways. You never can stop the tears when they decide to come. I must’ve looked a mess cause everyone kept looking at me like it was bile shooting out of me and not tears. I don’t get why people are so afraid of other people crying, but my boss was worried about me. She didn’t think I could breathe and offered to call the nurse over from the other building. Like I said, I must’ve looked way worse than I thought I did. After some discussion, I was headed home with the promise to let my boss know I made it safe, cause apparently I really did look like I was about crumble onto the floor in full panic attack mode. 

I cried the whole way home while on the phone with Josh. That evening wasn’t any better. Both of us were wrecks. I’m sure Ellabelle was confused. She did seem to keep looking at us like, “What is wrong with you?” There’s just so much tragic about the whole thing, but I think, for Josh and I, it hits way too close to home. It could’ve easily been us last July. I almost died. Josh was almost left alone. Somehow, though, we were spared that awful fate. I think that’s why we were both so upset by it. It’s like a wound that had healed over time for us that was opened up again. It could’ve been us, and neither of us can just shake that fact. Plus, the fact that this is happening to someone we know, someone so young, someone who had just started planning life but hadn’t gotten to start living those plans. And now I’m trying not to cry again. Like I said, I feel too much.

So, today, we make our way down to Ashland, Kentucky to say goodbye to Bekah, to be one of many shoulders offered to Craig, to hopefully find some little piece of closure to an open scar for us. 

And while one friend deals with the pain of a loved one taken too soon because of natural causes, I deal with the thought that someone or some people decided to take away other peoples loved ones in Boston yesterday. I am thankful that I don’t have a tv right now because it keeps that tragic event from becoming all too real to me and, right now, I don’t know if I could handle having all the emotions of all that piled on today as well. Still, what little I know makes my heart hurt as well as my head. There are so many questions still open from it all. The one that bothers me the most is why would someone do that to innocent people? I know there are a lot of people asking that. The second one is what kind of world is my child being raised in? 

And there always seems to be something to cry about. I try not to read the newspaper or internet stories too often. I try to know just enough about the going-ons in the world, the latest tragedy, but not too much. I have to distance myself or I’d cry every day. And I try to soak in the moments that make me truly happy. I used to wonder if I would ever find true happiness. I have been fortunate enough to feel it. It came in a very small package that almost cost me everything, but it was well worth it. Image

I take in as much of these moments as I can because the world sucks. Life sucks. People suck. And at the end of it all, at least, I’ll have that feeling. The world has a lot of healing to do. It has a lot to be upset about. It also has a lot of love. We all need to find the love. It’s the only thing that can help make us whole again. All you need is love. Image

But still, being human, I get angry about all these crappy things. I get sad about these things. I, usually, cry about these things. Not today though. Today, if I cry, it will be for Craig and Bekah. My tears will be for the people I know. They deserve that. I can cry for other people and other families who have lost loved ones and are dealing with similar pains tomorrow. I can cry for puppies and kittens on that awful tv commercial tomorrow. I can be upset about the dead goose in the road tomorrow. Today, my heart, my tears, my love go to a couple torn apart too soon. Today, Josh and I share the love by simply being there. Cause, after all…Image