Dark tunnels

There’s that old saying that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. So, in theory, if you keep moving forward, eventually the darkness with turn back to light. For a while, that light felt more like a train barreling towards us, and us running the opposite direction, back into the dark, just hoping it doesn’t catch up and annihilate us. And lately, there’s been no light at all. Just us…sitting in the dark…waiting…hoping…for something to guide us back out.

Well, today is the first Monday of the year. It’s the first day of the first work week of the year. It was also my first day at my new job. And I’m not gonna go on the typical “new year, new me, new possibilities, yah!” spiel. No, I’m still in the pitch black tunnel for the time being. There’s no big excitement for a new year and starting over and all that junk.

I was very lucky to spend 8 months at home with EB when she was a baby. We struggled, but I was happy otherwise with being the one my baby interacted with and grew with every day. I returned to work and worked at that job til EB was 15 months old. Then I was home with her for another 4 months. Next, I got a day time job with regular hours. That job was cut short because of pregnancy complications. I was devastated. It really tore me up that the place I had planned to spend at least a couple of years, if not long term, had to let me go simply because of policy reasons. I felt like I had failed. Hindsight, that job was probably going to end up being a dead end, and the silver lining of being unemployed was that when Matilda showed up, I got to be with her every day just like I did with EB.

Anyway, today was kinda a big deal. It was hard to leave the girls especially Mattie. EB has been to two different babysitters. She knows the drill. She understands that mommy has to go to work. Mattie, on the other hand, doesn’t know why mommy left her with some stranger today for 9 hours. It breaks my heart…and I’m sure it’s probably harder on me than her. I did drop them off like a champ though. In and out. No tears. No problems.

Work was a bit weird today because it was the monday back for everyone after a 4 day weekend, and it was busy. So, I was little lost in the shuffle which I totally get. There are suppose to be 4 people doing my job. Well, 1 is me, and I have no idea what I’m doing yet. 2 is a vacant position that they interviewed for today. 3 is a lady who was off today. And 4 is the woman training me who happened to be absolutely swamped because it was just her and me and I’m still completely useless.

The day went quickly though. I was so happy to get my girls and head home. I asked EB about her day and here’s her account:

“I eat lunch and I play with the boys. I fall down at the babysitters. The boys fought me. I watch spongebob squarepants. Snacks. I did that! Mattie rolled over. The boys hurt my feelings. They hurt my heart. I fall down and I got a batman sword. I used that! I hit everybody with the sword. That’s my job.”

Never found out what or how the boys hurt her feelings, but apparently she had a productive day. Hopefully, mine will be just as productive tomorrow. I get to go sit in on court cases and shadow some. I’m just happy to be contributing to this family in a job that has some longevity possible. It’s been such a rough past month. December was hard for us – Christmas not included. I tried to make sure the girls got the holiday memories and experiences they deserve. Otherwise, I’m so grateful for a new year, new job, and, hopefully, a new light at the end of the tunnel

(fine, a little optimism managed to sneak in there)

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Banishing Sad Amy

I haven’t been myself lately. I’m not really sure why. It could be because I no longer have my job. It could be because I’m stuck in the house all day with a little tiny tornado. It could be because our funds are low due to the lack of job. It could be the no shopping because of lack of funds. It could be the fact that I watched all the seasons of Cake Boss on Netflix in like 2 days. It could be the feeling of silent rejection as not one of the numerous jobs I’ve applied for has called me back. It could be the fact that I feel like this house is never going to get clean no matter how much we do. It could be that we’re trying to stretch a gallon of milk, because we can’t afford to go by another until next Tuesday, between two people which wouldn’t be a problem for most people but I live off cereal and Josh is to milk what Cookie Monster is to cookies. He’s a milk monster.

Ok, sorry, I’m rambling. But the point is that I don’t feel like myself. Yesterday Josh even said, “You are totally bumming me out. If you look it up, there’s a picture of you under “sad” in the Webster’s dictionary.” Yep. That’s me. It’s so bad I’m not even excited about Christmas. Like seriously. Christmas is my holiday. I’m usually aching to have the tree up already, but not this year. Not yet, at least. I’m not sure what is going on exactly. It could be all of the above. But I’m determined to be happier. Not exactly sure how that’s going to work. I guess I’m just going to wing it and see where I land. But no more Sad Amy. No more. She’s being banished from this house. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve that I hope will work. I’ll keep you posted. Until then, here’s a cat:

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Fresh Start

Sunday night…

The last night of the weekend.
The first night of the week.

It’s a bit of a conundrum. Beginning and end. It’s always a sad day because it means relaxation comes to an end. Granted, right now my job is taking care of the baby so the work never really ends, but at least on the weekend I can shrug some of it off on the hubby. So, for me, it means the prospect of 5 days of making all the bottles, changing all the diapers, handling all the cries and screeches. It means no Josh around until 5pm which sucks. I like having him around. It’s nice to have someone to talk to (or be ignored by) besides the dog, the baby, and the cats.

This Sunday I’m starting fresh. I say that a lot, but I really mean it. I’ve got some things I want to change in my life, and this is the week to do it. Hopefully, next week will involve a huge change in our lives around the Hawkins house. So, I need to make these changes now in order to be ready for that. And, even if that changes doesn’t happen, I want to start these things anyways.

This week I plan to:

  • implement a before bed checklist
  • cook every single night
  • finally put all the clothes away
  • get the living room back in order
  • get Ellabelle’s room back in order
  • revisit my budget

Baby steps, people. Here’s to a new week. Being on monday!

amy