New Patterns

We’ve been slowly sliding into our new pattern of life. Poor Miss EB had a hard time adjusting to less sleep and long days away from us. She was crying when daddy dropped her off in the morning and won’t let me out of her sight when I come pick her up. She even runs to the door as soon as I get there cause girl is ready to go. She has, lucky, gotten better about the mornings. As long as we supply some sort of food distraction (be it goldfish or milk), she happily waves bye-bye to mommy and daddy takes her in, tear free.

Our days are as follows:
5:30: up and at em for daddy and mommy
6:00: Mommy gets Bee up and daddy makes coffee, starts the car, and takes out the dog
6:30(at the latest): out the door
7:00: drop baby off, fingers crossed for no tears
7:30: drop momma off, wolf whistle from the weird guy in the alley (aka my husband)
8-4:45: work and all that necessary stuff
5:20: pick up Bee, get smiles and blow that popsicle stand
6:00-8:30: dinner, bath, whatever housework we feel up to doing, and playtime with the manimals til bed
8:30: bedtime for the baby and last minute stuff for the next day
9:30: beddybye for momma and daddy.

Now repeat as necessary (or required anyways.)

So, yeah, poor Ellabelle isn’t liking this whole being home for only 2 hours to play with HER toys. I think she misses them too.

The real sad sap is Maisy. She’s so pathetic every morning. In the beginning, she would sit on the couch like, “Are we going somewhere?! You have pants on! We must be going somewhere!” And now she mopes, “Oh it’s that time of the day when you leave me again. Are you sure you have to go?” Insert big sad puppy dog eyes here. Like I said, she’s pathetic. But without fail, 6pm when we roll through the door, she’s there, still on the couch, wigglebutt agoing in excitement. And all is forgiven.

I’m so glad I have my job and the piece of sanity it grants me, but that little feeling of guilt is hard to shake when I look at Ellabelle. I don’t want her to feel like she’s neglected which she isn’t in anyway. It’s gotten easier as the weeks have moved on. I’m hitting my 1 month mark here this week. I feel like we’re finally on the path to where we want to be. I’m so looking forward to catching up on bills so we have some extra money to start saving for bigger and better things. Just like last year, march is so full of exciting new things and lots of busy busy weekends. More to come on that…

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Today, I face the river

Today, I am a nervous wreck.

Today, I go back to work. I’m nervous. And scared. And excited.

Today, I become a person again. I’ve been just a mommy for 6 months. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to just be me. To be a functioning member of society. To talk and think and do things that aren’t baby related. And part of me feels guilty about that. I don’t want to leave my baby. I want to give 100% of my attention and time to her. I feel like she deserves that. However, I know I have to go back so that I can make money so I can get her out of this trailer park into a real house in a real neighborhood. I have to do this for her. I have to be big and brave and conquer the outside world. Or, at least, I have to try.

Today, I give up bedtime. I give up giving her her bedtime bath. I give wrapping her lil warm body in snuggly jammies and putting her in her crib and giving her her goodnight kiss. I’m going to miss reading her her bedtime story. I’m going to give up being the last face she sees before she falls asleep. I’m handing those rights over to daddy.

Today, I have had to take a lorazepam and it’s not even 11am yet. I’m not joking about having a really hard time with this.

Today, I’m going to go take a shower since she’s napping. I’m going to eat lunch. I’m going to snuggle my baby and feed her and play with her. I’m going to be responsible. I’m going to be a hot mess on the inside and confident on the outside. I’m going to go into work, work my 4 hours (yes, it’s only 4 hours, why am I being such a baby about this?), and come home.

Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is going to be the rough day. It’s an 8 hour shift, during the day, a day Josh is off too. I’m going to hate working weekends. I’m loosing time with both of my loves. But, tomorrow is tomorrow. And hopefully, today will be okay, and it will affirm that I can, in fact, do this. That I am big and brave and not scared of new things.

Today, I’m taking that giant leap – small compared to other leaps others have taken, but a huge jump for me. I just have to keep thinking of the other side of the river. The other side is beautiful and green and it’s spring over there. It’s icy on this side of the river. Its time to close my eyes and leap, because you can’t cross the river in two small steps.

Today, my mommy hat gets hung up for a few short hours, and I get to put my Amy hat back on. Let’s hope it still fits.