So, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut.
I need something fun or new or exciting or all of the above to happen.
I want to write more.
I want to do more so I have more the write about.
I’m having a hard time right now with having to give up 11 hours of my life every single week day to go to work. I like my job. I like the people I work with. It’s not work that enriches my soul or gives me a sense of purpose though. I want a bigger purpose, and I’m struggling because I don’t know what it could possibly be or what direction to take to even get to it.
I love being a mom. I love being a wife. I love being an employee (because I’ve done the whole SAHM thing and it’s not for me). These things give me a specific purpose. But I need something just for me. Mine alone.
Josh says all of this is because I’m turning 30. That I’m facing my mortality. That it’s all normal. I dunno. Maybe it is. I’m just going to have to keep searching and learning and trying to grow. Maybe I’ll accidentally stumble upon my answer.
All that being said, I got it off my chest and I can proceed with a monthly recap (which I would ideal make a weekly recap since I feel like these end up so impersonal since things have happened so long ago).
So, May has been a nice happy medium between busy and relaxing. After our week at the beach getting back into the swing of things was heard on all of us. The work week felt like it lasted a month, and the girls were more clingy and tired than usual. We made it through though. The animals have also been extra clingy since we got home. I guess they missed us.
Ellabelle had soccer on the 13th and the 15th. She loves going and “playing” with her friends, but we’ve decided that since she hasn’t progressed and she rarely makes it past 10 minutes of actually trying to play before she just stops that she’s done with soccer. We’re gonna try dance in the fall and maybe she’ll do a different sport once she’s in school. I’m glad we tried it another season because I wanted to give her the chance to develop as a player, but soccer just isn’t for her.
The 14th was Mother’s Day, but this year was a little different than usual. On the 12th, Miss Jean died after her fight with cancer. So, mom and grandma were out in Iowa for her viewing and to be with my Uncle Mark. The 14th is also papaw’s birthday. Buuttt Papaw and Mamaw had gone fishing for the weekend. So, Josh planned things for just me. I got very spoiled with lots of macaron cookies and ice cream and presents.
So at some point in the week before mother’s day, Matilda headbutted me in the mouth, and it caused this horrible pain to start in my front tooth. Now this tooth has been a problem for a long while. It’s being chipped and filed and filled back up and then chipped again. It’s the tooth that I‘ve always felt the most self-conscious about. Well, it turns out, Matilda actually did me a favor because that tooth needed a root canal, and the infection was to the point that it was going to start spreading to other roots. So, on 5/16, I went in and had my first root canal. Except it wasn’t as simple as that. See the last time I had work done on my teeth, the dentist didn’t numb me well enough and hit my raw nerve. So, I hate the dentist. This was a different dentist and she’s really nice, but I still can’t leave my PTSD from the last time behind. And this time did nothing to help. It took so many shots to get it to even numb and even then it was still not numb completely. The root canal part wasn’t really that bad, it’s the shaving down the tooth for the crown that was bad. While I waited for them to create the crown, I literally sat in the dental chair and cried. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that they couldn’t even finish the whole thing. So, I’m living with an unbuffed crown which I’m totally ok with. The only good thing is that I can chew gum again without worrying my tooth is going to crack in half and fall out.
We had a happy event happen on 5/17 – Ellabelle graduated from Pre-K. It was the sweetest thing. I cried three different times. I didn’t think I was a crier. My mom always has been and we mock her for it every time, but turns out I take after her. The time I cried the hardest was when they presented the graduates one by one and they came out and said what they wanted to be when they grow up. Ellabelle came out in her little purple cap and gown that I didn’t know she’d be wearing and said, shyly but confidently, “A doctor,” and I lost it. Like seriously, you can’t just spring caps and gowns on a mama!
They sang songs to show us what they learns throughout the year – days of the week, the alphabet, sign language, how to follow directions – and they did a surprise dance routine to the Trolls song. Ellabelle was adorable, and I can’t believe my sweet baby Bee is ready to head off to kindergarten. I’m so proud of how far she’s come in the year that she’s been in a school setting. Her speech has improved greatly. She loves to write and spell things she sees. She can count all the way to 100. She just amazes me every day
That week ended on 5/19 which is a very important date in our house. That day Miss Matilda turned 2! My mischievous monster has been practicing the terrible 2’s for a few months, but she’s officially there now. For gifts, she got a new small Unicorn Jellycat (her “Bah”), three Yo Gabba Gabba books, a Foofa hat, a Hello Kitty vacuum from Ellabelle, and a princess castle tent.
Now, this tent. ::Enter heavy sigh here:: It’s become a sore subject in our house. Ellabelle does not like sharing her toys with Mattie, but she has no problem telling us Mattie should share with her. From the moment I put the damn thing together, Ellabelle was trying to get in it. She barks orders at Mattie and tries to kick her out of it. Thankfully, things have settled down as the novelty of the new toy has worn off, but still. Siblings, man. They’re crazy. And crazy jealous.
So, the morning of Mattie’s birthday, we went out for a donut date. We have been wanting to do the Butler County Donut Trail for a while and decided that was the day to do it. So, we went and got donuts from Stan the Donut Man. Their cherry cake donuts are amazing, btw.
So, we get to work after dropping the girls off, and it turns out the AC was broke in the whole building. It apparently was measured at 91 degrees in our office. So, early day it was cause the only thing worse than work on a Friday is melting at your desk at work on a Friday. So, we skipped out and finally got to go see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2. We had been trying to find someone to watch our demon spawn for a while and no one ever could. So, we took advantage of our childless day. The movie was really good. It’s hard to fail us on the Marvel movie front though. Josh did cry so it wasn’t just fanboy/girl dedication that made it a success in our eyes. Afterwards, we got pizza at Dewey’s which is my favorite.
Mattie’s birthday evening was pretty low key. We moved all her birthday stuff to the next weekend due to Miss Jean passing. We got her cupcakes and sang to her. Her response? “I like the birthday!” I’d say we made her feel special.
So, 5/20 was a hard day for my family. Like I said, Miss Jean finally passed away from cancer the week before. That Saturday, her memorial service was held here. We gathered for a short ceremony and made our way to the cemetery. Josh had to stay in the car with Mattie who was not happy for who knows why (because she’s two now and has to be unhappy at least once a day, maybe?) At the cemetery, there was a prayer and everyone stood around while Mark played the song Miss Jean had picked. Almost everyone was crying. Ellabelle was unbelievably well behaved. She had no idea what was going, but it’s like she knew something requiring reverence was happening.. Miss Jean was cremated and they placed her urn in one of those burial walls. What really got me was when they placed a velvet bag filled with all her beloved pets next to her.
Ellabelle was given sparse details about what was going on. We answered any questions she had, but 4 is still too young to fully grasp death. She seemed to understand that Miss Jean was in the urn, and that we were there to say goodbye. She looked up at the wall as they were closing it up and she asked me, “Is this Miss Jean’s new house?” I told it was. “Is she going live here?” I told her she was. She looked around and told me, “It’s very pretty here.” Bless a child’s innocent soul, I mean, honestly. She was amazing.
We went to my Uncle Kenny’s afterwards for lunch. We did a white zinfandel toast to Miss Jean there because it was her favorite wine.
I’m gonna share my facebook status from that day here. I think it sums up Miss Jean the best:
“Today, my family will gather together to celebrate the life of Jean Fulmer. She is our wife, stepmom, grandma, sister in law, daughter in law, friend, and (to me) aunt. The labels don’t really matter because, to all of us, she was simply Miss Jean. She lost her battle to cancer, and, by battle, I mean, she suited up and fought. They gave her 4-6 months to live. She made it almost to 9. One of the things I will always remember about her is her love of animals. She spent one Christmas with Maisy perched on her lap being petted most of the night. I couldn’t tell who was happier. It’s been said in many different ways that the way a person treats animals shows who they really are as a person. Nothing solidified her good heart more than when I was putting together photos she picked out for her memorial video and found quite a few pictures of her many cats and dog, Sadie. This, to me, tells you everything you need to know about Miss Jean. Even in death, her animals are just as important as she is. Please keep my whole family in your thoughts and prayers as we gather to say goodbye to her today, especially my Uncle Mark. Miss Jean is finally out of pain, and I know one of her first stops on the other side was to the rainbow bridge to see all her furbabies. ❤🐾”
So, Sunday, 5/21, we went out to Logans for Mattie’s birthday dinner. We picked there because she likes their meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Apparently, the meatloaf is only available at lunch so it was kinda a bust in that department. Ellabelle was a huge pain the whole meal. (Bad behavior isn’t just for the 2 year old crowd.)
Mattie got lots of clothes and two paw patrol toys (Marshall and Skye) and a 4 wheeler from Opa.
Well, sharing hasn’t been going well for any of these toys either. We stopped at Toys R Us for Mattie’s balloon and announcement, and they didn’t have any helium and didn’t do the announcement. Poor Matz. She honestly didn’t care though because she got a Chase paw patrol toy to go with her other two new ones.
Oh, yeah, and it was our 6 year wedding anniversary. We didn’t have any extra money so we didn’t exchange gifts. We honestly hardly acknowledged the day. It wasn’t for lack of love. Josh prefers our November anniversary because it’s “the one that really matters.” Still, bear with me a moment while I gush about my boy now.
Josh, we’ve had a very rough year, but we’ve made it through. It’s only because we’ve had each other. We fight and we argue and you still insist on putting your shoes by the door instead of where they go, but I wouldn’t want to take on life with anyone else. You’re my favorite person in the whole wide world. You’re always trying to make me laugh. You are sweet when you want to be, and you’re the best cuddle buddy ever. I don’t know how I would survive without you. I also don’t know who’d clean the litter box. I couldn’t ask for a better daddy for my girls. I know you’d argue that fact, but you worry about them and love them so fiercely. You just don’t even realize you’re doing it. We are all so lucky to have you to take care of us and to deal with all our crazy. I love you, and can’t wait to see what this next year holds.
On 5/23, I had inservice at work. Josh took me to lunch at Gilpin’s which is a steamed sandwich shop downtown. They’re closing eventually (no one seems to know exactly when) and he wanted to make sure I got to try it before they closed up for good. The burger was really good. It was massive, actually. I had a hard time eating it. I made a huge mess, but sometimes the messier the food the better it is.
During training, they passed out notebooks with the police seal on them. Ellabelle gets so excited every time we see a police vehicle on the road, so I brought home my notebook for her. She was over the moon because she’s a “real” police officer now. It’s the little things in life, I suppose.
We started the weekend of 5/27 with Mattie’s 2 year doctor’s appointment. She’s doing exactly as expected of her. She’s walking and talking on track and advance in a lot of coordination skills. The doctor used the word “perfect” which always makes a mama’s heart happy. She’s as tall as a 2.5 year old, but she’s still round. She weighs only 5lbs less than her sister. The doctor assured me that she’ll thin out between 2 and 3. Poor thing has the same allergies as her sister and we have to set up a panel test to see if she’s allergic to tree nuts as well. Oh and she stole my shoes during the appointment and walked around in them.
After that, we headed to Columbus to go to the zoo for Mattie’s birthday. The girls loved seeing the animals, but it was muggy. We did the best we could in the heat. I think it was a very successful birthday for our little monster.
We surprised the girls by making it an overnight trip. Ellabelle was excited because she got to sleep in the same bed as me. Josh was not excited because he had to sleep in the same bed as Mattie. It was Mattie’s first time in a big kid bed so we were all kinda freaked out. We all made it through the night.
We stopped at North Market in the morning because it’s our favorite place to get all our favorite foods in Columbus.
The Indian food is my favorite. Josh loved the cabbage rolls from the polish place. The girls loved the ice cream.
We stopped on the way home at Mamaw and Papaw’s house. They had a Memorial Day get together. The girls love visiting and seeing their cousin, Trent. Plus, Josh got to see most of Logan.
Our May ended with a quiet Memorial Day and a much needed day off of work. June holds so many fun and exciting things for us. Plus, some lazy days enjoy the sun and water.