My anxiety is crippling.
It’s consuming and mutilating.
It’s also ridiculous.
I used to think my depression was what kept me down. I blamed it for all the problems I experienced that effected me internally as well as socially. I’ve realized recently, while I do suffer from depression, my anxiety is the controlling disease.
It strolls up and grabs me by the throat and holds until I feel like I can’t breathe, most times literally. I have days where I gasp for air because it’s all too much. And I don’t know how to control it or fight it or even avoid it. It sneaks up when I least expect it. My day can be going great and before I know it I’m covered in a blanket of anxiety and pretty soon I’m suffocating.
Some days I need it more than others. These days, where it feels like the sky has fallen and I’m crushed under it, perspective is the only thing that helps fight the anxiety (for me anyways). It is so necessary during these times. Gotta see the forest for the trees. I’m more of a trees for the forest kinda girl which makes some days really hard.
I get so lost in the details no matter how teeny tiny and insignificant they may be. This adds to the panic of anxiety. It’s hard to put things where they need to go in your head and step back and see the big picture when you feel like the entire world has collapsed around you.
But you have to.
You fight it.
Sometimes it takes a while.
Sometimes it takes all your energy.
Sometimes you just go to sleep and (hopefully) it’s gone when you wake up.
Eventually, you feel relief. I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I can breathe easier. My mind stops spinning scenarios and stops making plans. It slows down.
And perspective steps in.
It’s all still there. It’s all ok. Nothing has changed. Nothing has happened. The people and things that matter are all still there. And as I relax I feel like I’ve run a marathon because of the stress that was put on my body. And I’ll go back to functioning.
Hopefully, no one noticed my attack.
Hopefully, the rest of the day will be ok.
Hopefully, it won’t happen again.
But it will.