Dealing with my oldest 

I like to appear like I have my shh together (who doesn’t), but, honestly, this mom stuff isn’t getting any easier. I have two who constantly fight over my attention or I have two that want nothing to do with me at all. 
Ellabelle is going through an attachment to daddy phase. She usually wants to love on me and snuggle me and hold my hand and have me pick her up from school. It can get really overwhelming and irritating especially since I tend to have sensory overload. So if she wants to bug daddy, fine by me.
But this morning, I was brushing my teeth in our bedroom and she comes back to get her boots. Only Josh had been in the girl’s room so she didn’t think I was home. When she saw me standing there, her face fell. Like from happily getting her shoes to like she walked in and she realized someone ate the last cookie. She looked so upset to see me, and it crushed me. Now I’m super sensitive anyways. I’m super hard on the outside usually (my resting bitchface is on point) but I’m just a big ball of insecure self doubt on the inside. This what not what a momma who’s whole world is about her kids needs in the early morning hours before I’ve had any caffeine. 

It didn’t help after what had happened yesterday. I had to use the bathroom really bad on our way home from work. So I had Josh stop at Target so I could jump out and go. When we pulled up to the door, I explained that I’d be right back. I do this mostly because Mattie loses her mind if I get out of the car without her. Ellabelle responds, “Nuh-uh.” So I playfully argued, “Oh yes I will.”


Josh: “Ellabelle, your mom will come back after she’s done.”

Ellabelle: “Nuh-uh.”

Josh: “Don’t you want mommy to come back?”

Ellabelle: “Nuh-uh.”
Clearly, she’s a brat. Josh scolded her while I was gone. Now she’s old enough to know what she’s saying unlike Mattie who still says “no” to everything. And she’s also old enough to learn that her words carry meaning behind them. This is how bullying starts. She’s already bossy (which is a good asset in the work world when it’s being assertive, not so much in preschool) and we don’t want it to evolve into something worse. So, he explained why it hurt my feelings and how that’s not how you treat people. She apologized and told me she loved me, and we moved on. So that and the look this morning makes my momma heart weary. 
Will she grow out of this phrase? God I hope so.

Will I survive regardless? Yes. 
I know it’s only going to get worse, but I love my girls and I want to be the center of their universe like they are of mine as long as possible. Im obviously not delusional and know that this is a short window for the momma love. They get bigger and so will the fights and the eye rolls. It’s just hard to let go of yet another “baby” trait as Ellabelle gets older. Along with the sweet cheeks, the dimpled hands, and clumsy waddle, the soft spot for mommy changes. I’m glad to share her with the world, but it’s still hard. 
She was better tonight. She wanted to sit with me and play Mario with me. She let me love on her and she went to bed easily. So it just does to show that preschoolers are fickle, and this whole parenthood thing makes no sense ever. It really should come with a manual. 


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