So, I’ve been so far behind on posting things. Like really behind. Like pre-baby behind. I’ve had everything written, of course, but never got around to posting it. First things first:
Ok, and now, here it is, 2 months after she actually got here – my attempt to get from brain to keyboard my thoughts about my pregnancy with Mattie.
I’ve been wanting to write something about this pregnancy for a while now. The problem has been that I don’t know how to put into words all the things I want to say. This very well may be the last time I’m ever pregnant, and, while I hate being pregnant, there’s still something special about it. Josh keeps telling me to enjoy these last few days with her inside instead of out. These last day – after months of being the only one to know and feel her, before having to share her with everyone else. Right now she’s mine and mine alone. Yes, Josh is very excited and so are so many other people, but they don’t know her yet. Not like I do.
I really want to put into writing about the kicks and flutters. Those are what I will miss most. It’s actually I think the only thing I’ll miss about being pregnant. That and the ability to not give two shh’s about how I look. Oh, I’m not fat. I’m pregnant. Love that. Anyways, the kicks – I wish there was a way to bottle those up and just open it every so often to remember what it’s like to have this tiny person inside. There really is no way to describe it. This one has been interesting though. Mattie has been laying low the whole pregnancy. So, unlike last time around, I feel her kicks down in my butt. It’s the weirdest thing. I also feel her on both sides of my belly – down low on the left and then up by my ribs on the right. Ellabelle never did that either. Mattie is more quiet. Ellabelle used to keep me up at night with her dance parties (which makes so much sense now that she’s here and dancing all the time). That isn’t to say Mattie doesn’t make her presence known. Oh boy, when she kicks up, it hurts, like I’ll literally jump out of my seat.
Mattie has also been giving me lots of braxton hicks contractions. I didn’t have a single one last time. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a second pregnancy or if it’s because she sits so low. Regardless of why, I am not a fan. I’ve been in so much pain this pregnancy due to just the pregnancy. I had a lot of sinus/ear/headache problems last pregnancy. This time, it’s all about what’s going on in there. I can hardly stand up or walk sometimes. What weird is Mattie is so much smaller than Ellabelle was – or so it seems anyways. I’m measuring behind at this point and we have to go have an ultrasound to make sure she’s growing ok. I’m still under my highest prepregnancy weight. In fact, I lost a pound last week. So, what I’ve gained has been all her.
I really want to be done being pregnant. I want to meet my baby and see her and know she’s ok and whole. I want to be done with mood swings and hormones and aches and pains. I want to be able to dry off my legs after a shower without having to go into some ridiculous yoga pose cause my belly is in the way. I also really don’t want to be done being pregnant. I don’t want to not feel kicks. I don’t want to share her. I don’t want the stress of two kids and no sleep. I don’t want a giant c-section scar. I don’t want things to change.
And now some pregnancy pics Josh took of me with Ellabelle. I didn’t do any belly pics last time because I was really self-conscious about how I looked and about my stretch marks, but this time I really wanted pictures of Ellabelle with the bump.