Dear Super Bee,
I can hardly believe that today marks the third anniversary of your birth. It’s been an amazing ride so far – exhausting but amazing. You have grown into the most inquisitive and funny little person. You keep us all so entertained and constantly on our toes.
You can play by yourself so well and then be climbing all over us. You love wrestling with daddy, and watching “Girls” with mommy. You’re speaking so much more clearly and can tell us exactly what you want for the most part. You love shoes and hats and dresses. You are obsessed with the twinkle lights that come on in your room every day, and you have to have your fan on whenever you’re in bed. You love to go look at toys at Walmart/Target, and you know immediately that the blue oval sign means that we’re at the grocery store and that you have make sure we know that you “need” to walk.
There is so much I see of myself in you. Your love of books. Your need to do things your way. Your need to do things on your schedule. The ridiculous crinkle nerdy face you make. The look you give when someone tells you not to do something and you know you’re going to do it anyways. But all of those things are still so uniquely you. You are such a lively little character. From singing and dancing in public and putting on a show for anyone who will watch to throwing a fit when we drive past Oma and Opa’s exit on the highway and not stopping to yelling, “I happy!” and jumping up and down when you are, well, really happy about something.
Every day comes with new challenges as you get bigger and braver and smarter. You are stubborn and ornery at all the wrong times. It drives me crazy in the moment, but I know it’ll make you unstoppable when you’re older. You are so curious about the world. You love to mimic us in every way. Just the other day you told me that you had to cook in your kitchen and showed me the toy croissant in your frying pan. After we read your bedtime story to you, you read it to us, trying to repeat each page that was just read to you. You told me just today that you need to take your bus to school and that you need books for school. It amazes me the things you are able to link together.
As a mom, I feel like it’s my job to teach you all kinds of things. You can identify almost all of the letters of the alphabet and can count to 10. What amazes me though is that you are constantly teaching me new things. Like patience. Not because you show me patience, but because I need more and more of it when dealing with your stubbornness on a daily basis. You’ve also been teaching me to be carefree. Like this past weekend and today, things didn’t go as planned for your birthday, and you didn’t even notice. You just just roll with the punches and make the best out of every situation. There’s fun no matter what the circumstances, and I hope that you stay that way forever. I am so not like that. I like order and I like plans and I like things to go the way I want. But motherhood (and life) isn’t like that. Things change in a matter of seconds from chasing bubbles to a scrapped knee. I don’t handle it as well as I’d like, but I watch you with your casual shoulder shrug and a soft mumble of gibberish and you’re off to the next adventure. I will continue to work on being looser in that respect. I never want to be a reason you hold back from doing something fun just because it’s challenging for me.
Something that amazes me on a daily basis is the how you’ve shown me a love that I didn’t honestly expect to see from you. At least not in the way and amount you’ve given. You became a big sister this year, and your love for your MattieG is amazing. You are a wild child – running around and singing at the top of your lungs – but you are so sweet and gentle with her. You wait for things you want while we feed her. You are always so concerned about getting her her pacifier. You tuck her in and give her kisses. She’s the first person you look for in the morning. It is so much more than I could’ve ever hoped and I hope you’re relationship with her only continues down this path.
You made me a mom, kid. And my gratitude to you for that will never waiver. Not even when I’m 90 and you’re 66. I will still be thanking you for picking me to be your momma. You changed everything and made the world so much brighter. I just know you’ll keep spreading your personal sunshine with everyone you meet, and I am so lucky I get to call you mine.
May 19, 2015
We arrived and parked and made our way into the hospital. They checked me in and sent me back to triage. Josh had to wait til I was changed to come back. They hooked me up to an IV and started tracking the baby. Much to my surprise, I was having contractions. The nurses were surprised that I couldn’t feel them. We had to wait two hours while I got antibiotics and whatever other stuff that comes down through an IV before a csection. They had another csection scheduled before mine so the nurses came and went. Most of the time it was just Josh and me waiting and reading. They had him put on scrubs which I thought he looked mighty nice in.
Finally, they came and got me. I had to walk down the hallway to the operating room. It was big and bright and cold. I got up on the table and they had me sit hunched over a pillow so that they could do the spinal. That was honestly the worst part. I got three little pricks of local anesthetic and then he tried to administer the meds. However, I kept getting really bad pains in both of my legs. Finally, with some coaching from my doctor, I was relaxed enough that he got it in. It took another two pricks of anesthetic before that happened though. Then I had to lay down and they put me on oxygen through the nose tube they use. They drapped me and I could feel them drawing on me. Finally, Josh got to join the party. He sat at my head. I was shocked at how quickly the medicine numbed me. Above me was a huge light, and, lucky me, I could see everything in the reflection.
They started working on opening my original incision, and the smell of the my flesh being open was, to quote Josh, “Literally the worse smell I’ve ever smelled!” He said he wanted to throw up. At 1:22pm, she was out and screaming (unlike her sister). They told me what a perfect round head she had and took her to be cleaned off. Josh asked for permission to leave me and go see her which I told him to do. He took pictures and video while they worked on closing me up. My doctor told me everything inside of me looked great and healthy and that I should consider having more beautiful babies. It was uncomfortable while the doctors worked. I couldn’t exactly feel anything. I just knew I didn’t like it and wanted them to hurry up and get done.
Josh came back over and told me she was beautiful, and she had peed all over the nurses. Josh then proceeded to dance in the operating room. He left me again, and I tried to avoid looking up and seeing what they were doing. However, it was hard not to, and the only thing I remember vividly seeing was blood pouring out and the doctors sucking it up.
When Josh finally came back to me again, he let me know that they were worried because she had an irregular heartbeat. A pediatrician was coming to check her out. The ped told us that it wasn’t abnormal for it to happen with newborns, and he’d come back and check her the next day. While he was there checking on her, she managed to get his finger in her mouth (not sure if he offered or she took). It was the first indication of her love of the pacifier.
They finished cleaning her off, and Josh was finally able to come and sit and show me the little girl I had been waiting 9 months to meet. She was beautiful, and all I could think was she looked so much like her big sister. Josh handed her to me after they finished and moved me to my bed. From there, we were wheeled back to triage. I stuck my finger in her mouth because she was crying, and she calmed down. The nurse asked if I though she was hungry and, based on the way she was trying to inhale my finger, I gave a confident, “Yes.” She ate her first bottle like a champ. Josh held her for a bit before giving her back to me so we could be taken to our room.
After that it was all kind of a blur. We were wheeled to our room, and Josh began calling people. Oma and Opa got there first with the new big sister! I don’t think Ellabelle understood exactly what was going on. Oma helped introduce the two, and Ellabelle gave Mattie the porcupine toy she picked out for her new sister. The nurse came in and gave Mattie a bath, and she had Ellabelle scrub her head with the bar of soap. More people arrived, and Mattie got to meet her Papaw, Mamaw, and Trent, her Auntie Ang, grandma Viv, and Cathy who works at the same hospital. Tuesday night was pretty peaceful. We got some decent enough sleep.
Wednesday was very quiet. I had to move around the room and try and get used to having legs again. We had no visitors, and just enjoyed the day with our Mattie girl. The pediatrician came in and checked on Matilda’s heart sounds and said that she sounded just fine and gave her a clean bill of health. Josh had to go home for more clothes in the evening because I had stolen his tshirts. Mattie also had her routine tests and shot that day.
Thursday was an important day for us – May 21, 2015. Josh and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary, and we got to take home our second baby. We were both discharged. It took a while to get all the paper work signed off on, and we got her hospital pictures taken while we waited. Finally, after waiting patiently, they were ready to wheel us down to the lobby to go. It was a much different experience than at Christ. They didn’t have to check that we had Mattie in her carseat correctly. They didn’t require me to hold her on my lap on the way down (I did anyways). It was just way more relaxed. We luckily got Mattie in the car with no carseat troubles (unlike her sister). We came home to a nice quiet house, and we slept as much as possible before Ellabelle came home the next day.
So, I’ve been so far behind on posting things. Like really behind. Like pre-baby behind. I’ve had everything written, of course, but never got around to posting it. First things first:
Ok, and now, here it is, 2 months after she actually got here – my attempt to get from brain to keyboard my thoughts about my pregnancy with Mattie.
I’ve been wanting to write something about this pregnancy for a while now. The problem has been that I don’t know how to put into words all the things I want to say. This very well may be the last time I’m ever pregnant, and, while I hate being pregnant, there’s still something special about it. Josh keeps telling me to enjoy these last few days with her inside instead of out. These last day – after months of being the only one to know and feel her, before having to share her with everyone else. Right now she’s mine and mine alone. Yes, Josh is very excited and so are so many other people, but they don’t know her yet. Not like I do.
I really want to put into writing about the kicks and flutters. Those are what I will miss most. It’s actually I think the only thing I’ll miss about being pregnant. That and the ability to not give two shh’s about how I look. Oh, I’m not fat. I’m pregnant. Love that. Anyways, the kicks – I wish there was a way to bottle those up and just open it every so often to remember what it’s like to have this tiny person inside. There really is no way to describe it. This one has been interesting though. Mattie has been laying low the whole pregnancy. So, unlike last time around, I feel her kicks down in my butt. It’s the weirdest thing. I also feel her on both sides of my belly – down low on the left and then up by my ribs on the right. Ellabelle never did that either. Mattie is more quiet. Ellabelle used to keep me up at night with her dance parties (which makes so much sense now that she’s here and dancing all the time). That isn’t to say Mattie doesn’t make her presence known. Oh boy, when she kicks up, it hurts, like I’ll literally jump out of my seat.
Mattie has also been giving me lots of braxton hicks contractions. I didn’t have a single one last time. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a second pregnancy or if it’s because she sits so low. Regardless of why, I am not a fan. I’ve been in so much pain this pregnancy due to just the pregnancy. I had a lot of sinus/ear/headache problems last pregnancy. This time, it’s all about what’s going on in there. I can hardly stand up or walk sometimes. What weird is Mattie is so much smaller than Ellabelle was – or so it seems anyways. I’m measuring behind at this point and we have to go have an ultrasound to make sure she’s growing ok. I’m still under my highest prepregnancy weight. In fact, I lost a pound last week. So, what I’ve gained has been all her.
I really want to be done being pregnant. I want to meet my baby and see her and know she’s ok and whole. I want to be done with mood swings and hormones and aches and pains. I want to be able to dry off my legs after a shower without having to go into some ridiculous yoga pose cause my belly is in the way. I also really don’t want to be done being pregnant. I don’t want to not feel kicks. I don’t want to share her. I don’t want the stress of two kids and no sleep. I don’t want a giant c-section scar. I don’t want things to change.
And now some pregnancy pics Josh took of me with Ellabelle. I didn’t do any belly pics last time because I was really self-conscious about how I looked and about my stretch marks, but this time I really wanted pictures of Ellabelle with the bump.