Anxious Mommy Math

I do my best thinking at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I swear I’ll remember it all when I wake up, but I never do. I’ve lost many a great plot ideas for the book I’m probably never gonna write this way. But tonight, I’m writing things down. Why? you may ask. Well, it’s a battle of wits here this evening. See I don’t have the luxury of being a daddy so that means if the baby’s up so am I. And tonight she is refusing to sleep. Not sure what her beef is. But anyways. Using her sleep boycott to write. 20140204-230923.jpg

So now I get a chance to write and I’ve got nothing. Of course. Let us see. Well it’s my last week home with my kid. I’ve been home with her everyday since she was born and now I’m off to a regular job with regular hours. That means 10 hours away from my precious Baby Bee a day. And of course I’ve figured it all out into hours and traumatized myself into panic over my lack of baby time and the possibility of being an awful mother because I’m going to work instead of being with her. Anyways, here’s my crazy, anxious-about-leaving-my-baby break down:

With commute I’ll be away from Ellabelle for 10 hours a day

She sleeps for 12 hours a night (or usually does anyways)

There’s 24 hours a day so 168 hours a week

She sleeps 84 hours a week (lucky) and we are away from her for a total of 50 hours a week

So 84 + 50 = 134 hours away from her and 168 – 134 = 34.

Thirty freakin four.

That’s it. 34 hours a week. Barely over a day I get with my kid every week. I’m not happy about this.

I would like to win the lottery right about now so I can just stay home and hang with her while still being able to send her to good schools someday. But I don’t play the lottery. I’m too broke. And I don’t get to stay home with her anymore. I’ve been so lucky to get to spend the first 18 months with her. I had to sacrifice nights with her for a while, but I got every single day. Every single morning. Every single morning smile. Now I’ll get grumpy face cause she’s not going to be able to sleep until 10 or 11 anymore, and she’s gonna be a sourpuss about it, I just know it.

So anyways. This is our last week together, hopefully, ever. I will hopefully never find myself unemployed again even if it breaks my heart. So I’m trying to put down the laptop and trying to enjoy every little second I get with her. She ran around with a bucket on her head today. She’s become such a little person. I wish I could make it stop. I miss my tiny baby. I love this fun lively toddler. I’m sure it’ll be gone too soon as well.