I’m sorely lacking on posts. I’m not exactly sure how I fell behind. I was working so diligently to write every week, but once September hit life took over and so did the rush of the holidays and here we sit with a half written post meant for January 1st. As it is, here’s my new years letter to EB.
We’ve somehow stumbled upon the end of 2013 – your first full year here. For 365 days, you have lived, breathed, and destroyed everything you could possibly get your hands on. I have watched in wonder this year as you have grown from a tiny roly poly baby into a fascinating, opinionated toddler.
This year has been such an emotional roller coaster, but it a very different way than 2012. 2012 was full of dark emotions that fill our lives when we least expect it. The ever lingering pain of pregnancy and our possible death followed dealing with mommy’s postpartum problems left a dark spot on the year. But 2013 was full of so many good emotions.
My little baby, so sweet and quiet, she turned into a toddler. With your first birthday came tears of joy and tears of sorrow as your infancy was over. Again, these were good emotions. I am so blessed to be here to get to see you become a little person, and so blessed for you to be here to reach this first of many more birthdays to come. Still, I grieved for the fact that my little baby no longer existed. Every day a little part of me is saddened as you learn and discover so many new things because these little discoveries and new steps will ultimately take you away from me. It is a brief and fleeting feeling, but it is still there. It’s part of being a mom. The joy of getting to witness you grow greatly out weighs the sorrow though.
I have felt my heart swell so hugely this past year. Just when I think it’s hit capacity, you go and make it swell again. Your face and your little smile, they mean everything. Motherhood is hard, harder than anyone can explain to you, but it so worth it. Watching you play and learn and discover how things work makes me play and learn and rediscover so many things. You have opened my eyes to the wonder of the world. You have also opened them to the so many terrors. That’s just how it is though. You have to take the good with the bad. Life doesn’t play favorites (even if it may feel like it does sometimes) and you have to look for the positive in everything. I’ve never been really good at that myself, but I hope to be able to teach you to do that. Never let the bad outweigh the good and never forget to keep your chin up.
There were so many more firsts this year – starting with your first New Years. We spent your first Valentine’s Day at White Castles (don’t worry, I didn’t let you eat anything). For your first St. Patrick’s Day we went on a barhop, but you only made it two bars before you were ready for a nap (you’re still a lightweight. It’s ok – you’ll get there.) It snowed on your first Easter, but you loved it. Daddy took you outside to see it. The easter bunny brought you lots of goodies, and you had your first piece of candy!
Summer came and we got to introduce our little waterbaby to the pool and the water playground. You loved every visit to Parky’s Ark even it all you could do was sit in the water. Your first 4th of July was wet and soggy and you got your diapered changed on bar stools (Gold star in parenting for us on that one). Then, the end of July brought a very special day for all of us – your birthday and mommy’s birth day. We celebrated the day you made your arrival, the day I became a mom, and gave thanks for both us being around to celebrate one year.
You learned to roll over, army crawl, crawl, and, finally, in November, at 16 months, you learned to walk. You babble like a maniac and talk up a storm when you’re on “your phone” which happens to be anything you can hold up to your ear. 2014 is going to bring so many new things as well. I guess that’s just what happens when a baby arrives – every year brings new, wonderful, magical things. We’ll get to hear you talk real words and maybe you’ll learn how to ride a tricycle. Who knows.
Sharing as much of the world with you as possible is not only something I want to do, but it’s something I feel like in suppose to do. We did that a little this year. You’ve been to Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, North Carolina, and South Carolina. That’s almost as many states as your daddy’s been to! You’ve also seen the ocean. Sharing that with you was so important and so special for me (even if you hated the sand and the water).
This year is bound to bring new changes to our lives, and I know that it may be scary and confusing for you, but we’ll get used to new routines and new hours. Just know, that even if I have to be away from you (like at work) that I’m never far and you’re never alone. I will be there if you really need me. I do everything for you and, if it means being away from you for 10 hours a day, I will do it. I want only the best for you.
I am thankful for every day I get to spend with you. I soak in as much of your sweet personality as possible. I cherish every big, open mouthed kiss and pat you give me when I pick you up. I still love watching you toddle out into the living room every morning. And, every night, when I check on you before I go to sleep, I hold your little baby hand, just for a moment, to feel connected to you. I say it often, and that’s because I mean it, thank you for picking me to be your mommy. I’m so looking forward to fun adventures with you this year. I just know 2014 is going to be our year.
All my love,