Brain Twister

Fair warning: this was written as I thought it. There may be more misspellings and missing words than usual. There may also be strange autocorrects that don’t make sense. I left it in its true form as it is just a bunch of brain gunk I was trying to remove for the sake of sleep. Enjoy.

I’m laying here, trying to go to sleep, but my head just feels too full. It’s been full all day. There’s all kinds of stuff going on that is stressing me out and making me want to pull all my hair out. I’m not even really sure what to do to stop it all from swirling around in my head. They’re in there like giant heavy boulders hitting the sides of my skull. Its giving me a headache. And you thought headaches were some sort of sciencey thing. Nope. They’re caused by brain boulders. And it’s not just the important stressful stuff that’s floating around in my head. There’s just random crap too. Like a cow. I figure there’s gotta be a cow flying around every wind tunnel of crap even if it is one inside a head. So there’s mooing and swishing paper because there’s obviously tiny books stored inside my head and they’ve obviously been thrown open and pages are torn out and crackling in the high wind. Oh and the wind. It’s howling in there too. Let me tell you, it’s loud inside my head tonight.

And what big heavy boulders of crap are in there you may ask?

Oh well, out rent is due and our water bill and our electric bill and our phone bill. All at the SAME FRICKIN TIME. Rarely do they all line up on the same pay period. So that’s one boulder. Or maybe that’s four boulders. Not sure. I can’t really keep track of them as they swirl around.

And since our bills are all due at once that means we can’t pay them all at once because we only currently have one paycheck so our phones are going to be shut off in the next day or two. I don’t mind the whole no phone thing really. It’s whatever. But it’s winter and it’s cold and Tammi the Taraus has been acting wonky and I don’t need Josh without a phone for two weeks while he’s driving back and forth to the city every day. So that’s like three more boulders.

Then there’s me starting a job. That’s a good thing. Yeah! Another paycheck and a help in the long term. But it brings with it a ton more immediate problems. Like daycare and paying for daycare. And the need for work clothes because lets face it tank tops and yoga pants aren’t going to cut it as business casual. Oh and mommy guilt. The mommy guilt. That’s probably the biggest boulder in my brain. It’s only day 1 of our last two weeks of the daily mommy and Ellabelle show and I’m already starting to freak out about her being at a babysitters for like 10 hours a day when she should be with me. Oh the irrational mommy guilt.

So on top of the stress boulders, there’s solutions to the stress boulders and then more stress because none of the solutions are plausible now or at all. And there’s regular every day stuff that I have to think about too that’s driving me crazy. So on top of the giant boulders and the cow and the books and probably a tardis and a wicked witch there’s the dishes that need to be washed and the laundry that needs to be folded and the toys Ellabelle throw all over the living room that I didn’t get picked up and the groceries from last night that are still on the floor flying around in the mess as well.

There’s just TOO MUCH in my brain tonight.

Ellabelle didn’t nap today. I spent two hours trying to convince her she needed one, but she was diligent in her attempts. She snoozed a very restless sleep for about 30 minutes. I blame her for this. I needed time to shut down the worry in my head and she just added to it. I can blame her. It doesn’t make me a bad mom. She can’t read yet. She’s never gonna find out.

I did sneak in a shower during those brief minutes of sleepy whining instead of the loud banging and kicking she does on her wall now when she wants out. I was hoping it would help restore some of my sanity. Showers are magical once you’ve entered the realm of motherhood. But fear of the dog pooping on the bath mat I would be stepping out on and the whining I could hear occasionally from the monitor kept it from being all that leisurely.

I’m exhausted, but at least my hair is clean. I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’m hoping the sleep will prove as some sort of relief from the internal brain twister. There will be a mess to clean up and things to be put back in place in my brain tomorrow as well as in my living room.

Le sigh.

New Years Letter to Bee

I’m sorely lacking on posts. I’m not exactly sure how I fell behind. I was working so diligently to write every week, but once September hit life took over and so did the rush of the holidays and here we sit with a half written post meant for January 1st. As it is, here’s my new years letter to EB.

Dearest Ellabelle, 

We’ve somehow stumbled upon the end of 2013 – your first full year here. For 365 days, you have lived, breathed, and destroyed everything you could possibly get your hands on. I have watched in wonder this year as you have grown from a tiny roly poly baby into a fascinating, opinionated toddler. 

This year has been such an emotional roller coaster, but it a very different way than 2012. 2012 was full of dark emotions that fill our lives when we least expect it. The ever lingering pain of pregnancy and our possible death followed dealing with mommy’s postpartum problems left a dark spot on the year. But 2013 was full of so many good emotions. 

My little baby, so sweet and quiet, she turned into a toddler. With your first birthday came tears of joy and tears of sorrow as your infancy was over. Again, these were good emotions. I am so blessed to be here to get to see you become a little person, and so blessed for you to be here to reach this first of many more birthdays to come. Still, I grieved for the fact that my little baby no longer existed. Every day a little part of me is saddened as you learn and discover so many new things because these little discoveries and new steps will ultimately take you away from me. It is a brief and fleeting feeling, but it is still there. It’s part of being a mom. The joy of getting to witness you grow greatly out weighs the sorrow though. 

I have felt my heart swell so hugely this past year. Just when I think it’s hit capacity, you go and make it swell again. Your face and your little smile, they mean everything. Motherhood is hard, harder than anyone can explain to you, but it so worth it. Watching you play and learn and discover how things work makes me play and learn and rediscover so many things. You have opened my eyes to the wonder of the world. You have also opened them to the so many terrors. That’s just how it is though. You have to take the good with the bad. Life doesn’t play favorites (even if it may feel like it does sometimes) and you have to look for the positive in everything. I’ve never been really good at that myself, but I hope to be able to teach you to do that. Never let the bad outweigh the good and never forget to keep your chin up. 

There were so many more firsts this year – starting with your first New Years. We spent your first Valentine’s Day at White Castles (don’t worry, I didn’t let you eat anything). For your first St. Patrick’s Day we went on a barhop, but you only made it two bars before you were ready for a nap (you’re still a lightweight. It’s ok – you’ll get there.) It snowed on your first Easter, but you loved it. Daddy took you outside to see it. The easter bunny brought you lots of goodies, and you had your first piece of candy! 

Summer came and we got to introduce our little waterbaby to the pool and the water playground. You loved every visit to Parky’s Ark even it all you could do was sit in the water. Your first 4th of July was wet and soggy and you got your diapered changed on bar stools (Gold star in parenting for us on that one). Then, the end of July brought a very special day for all of us – your birthday and mommy’s birth day. We celebrated the day you made your arrival, the day I became a mom, and gave thanks for both us being around to celebrate one year. 

You learned to roll over, army crawl, crawl, and, finally, in November, at 16 months, you learned to walk. You babble like a maniac and talk up a storm when you’re on “your phone” which happens to be anything you can hold up to your ear. 2014 is going to bring so many new things as well. I guess that’s just what happens when a baby arrives – every year brings new, wonderful, magical things. We’ll get to hear you talk real words and maybe you’ll learn how to ride a tricycle. Who knows. 

Sharing as much of the world with you as possible is not only something I want to do, but it’s something I feel like in suppose to do. We did that a little this year. You’ve been to Indiana, Kentucky, Tennessee, North Carolina, and South Carolina. That’s almost as many states as your daddy’s been to! You’ve also seen the ocean. Sharing that with you was so important and so special for me (even if you hated the sand and the water).

This year is bound to bring new changes to our lives, and I know that it may be scary and confusing for you, but we’ll get used to new routines and new hours. Just know, that even if I have to be away from you (like at work) that I’m never far and you’re never alone. I will be there if you really need me. I do everything for you and, if it means being away from you for 10 hours a day, I will do it. I want only the best for you. 

I am thankful for every day I get to spend with you. I soak in as much of your sweet personality as possible. I cherish every big, open mouthed kiss and pat you give me when I pick you up. I still love watching you toddle out into the living room every morning. And, every night, when I check on you before I go to sleep, I hold your little baby hand, just for a moment, to feel connected to you. I say it often, and that’s because I mean it, thank you for picking me to be your mommy. I’m so looking forward to fun adventures with you this year. I just know 2014 is going to be our year. 

All my love,

Happy (20 days late) New Year, everyone! Photo on 12-31-13 at 8.01 PM