Fair warning: this was written as I thought it. There may be more misspellings and missing words than usual. There may also be strange autocorrects that don’t make sense. I left it in its true form as it is just a bunch of brain gunk I was trying to remove for the sake of sleep. Enjoy.
I’m laying here, trying to go to sleep, but my head just feels too full. It’s been full all day. There’s all kinds of stuff going on that is stressing me out and making me want to pull all my hair out. I’m not even really sure what to do to stop it all from swirling around in my head. They’re in there like giant heavy boulders hitting the sides of my skull. Its giving me a headache. And you thought headaches were some sort of sciencey thing. Nope. They’re caused by brain boulders. And it’s not just the important stressful stuff that’s floating around in my head. There’s just random crap too. Like a cow. I figure there’s gotta be a cow flying around every wind tunnel of crap even if it is one inside a head. So there’s mooing and swishing paper because there’s obviously tiny books stored inside my head and they’ve obviously been thrown open and pages are torn out and crackling in the high wind. Oh and the wind. It’s howling in there too. Let me tell you, it’s loud inside my head tonight.
And what big heavy boulders of crap are in there you may ask?
Oh well, out rent is due and our water bill and our electric bill and our phone bill. All at the SAME FRICKIN TIME. Rarely do they all line up on the same pay period. So that’s one boulder. Or maybe that’s four boulders. Not sure. I can’t really keep track of them as they swirl around.
And since our bills are all due at once that means we can’t pay them all at once because we only currently have one paycheck so our phones are going to be shut off in the next day or two. I don’t mind the whole no phone thing really. It’s whatever. But it’s winter and it’s cold and Tammi the Taraus has been acting wonky and I don’t need Josh without a phone for two weeks while he’s driving back and forth to the city every day. So that’s like three more boulders.
Then there’s me starting a job. That’s a good thing. Yeah! Another paycheck and a help in the long term. But it brings with it a ton more immediate problems. Like daycare and paying for daycare. And the need for work clothes because lets face it tank tops and yoga pants aren’t going to cut it as business casual. Oh and mommy guilt. The mommy guilt. That’s probably the biggest boulder in my brain. It’s only day 1 of our last two weeks of the daily mommy and Ellabelle show and I’m already starting to freak out about her being at a babysitters for like 10 hours a day when she should be with me. Oh the irrational mommy guilt.
So on top of the stress boulders, there’s solutions to the stress boulders and then more stress because none of the solutions are plausible now or at all. And there’s regular every day stuff that I have to think about too that’s driving me crazy. So on top of the giant boulders and the cow and the books and probably a tardis and a wicked witch there’s the dishes that need to be washed and the laundry that needs to be folded and the toys Ellabelle throw all over the living room that I didn’t get picked up and the groceries from last night that are still on the floor flying around in the mess as well.
There’s just TOO MUCH in my brain tonight.
Ellabelle didn’t nap today. I spent two hours trying to convince her she needed one, but she was diligent in her attempts. She snoozed a very restless sleep for about 30 minutes. I blame her for this. I needed time to shut down the worry in my head and she just added to it. I can blame her. It doesn’t make me a bad mom. She can’t read yet. She’s never gonna find out.
I did sneak in a shower during those brief minutes of sleepy whining instead of the loud banging and kicking she does on her wall now when she wants out. I was hoping it would help restore some of my sanity. Showers are magical once you’ve entered the realm of motherhood. But fear of the dog pooping on the bath mat I would be stepping out on and the whining I could hear occasionally from the monitor kept it from being all that leisurely.
I’m exhausted, but at least my hair is clean. I’m going to try and get some sleep. I’m hoping the sleep will prove as some sort of relief from the internal brain twister. There will be a mess to clean up and things to be put back in place in my brain tomorrow as well as in my living room.