When a baby is born so is a mom. You wait months for the baby to arrive, but you aren’t really a mom until that little person is here. Everything changes once you see and hold that little baby. You change so much once you have a baby. That day is just as important to you as it is to your baby.
Reflecting back on the one year anniversary of my birth day makes me sad. It makes me sad because it’s somehow already been a whole year, and my baby is no longer a baby. I’m officially the mother of a toddler. That’s only a minor sadness though. The real sadness I experience looking back on July 22, 2012 comes from the fact that I have hardly any memories of that day. All these other moms have this magical “A-ha!” moment when they instantly feel like a mom and are filled with that overabundance of love for this little person.
I, on the other hand, got ripped off. I had no great moment. I had no instant feelings of love. I remember feeling the need to throw up and then actually throwing up. My love for Ellabelle came gradually and, originally, I thought that made me a bad mother. I realize now that with the amount of drugs that had to wear off and the amount of drugs pumped into my body to control pain that I’m lucky I was even aware I had a baby. I slept through visitors and was drugged out of my mind for her first feeding. The first time I remember feeling connected to my little on was when I put her in my bed with me and she fell asleep in my arms. That was when my heart started to expand. That was when I started to fill with all that love you always hear about.
I feel like I missed out on so much from that day and days after. That hospital room was like the land time forgot. The whole 5 days are just one big ball of time in my head. I’m not able to distinguish days or even time of day in my memory. I do remember that Ellabelle watched the 1000 episode of Raw on the second day but only because I know Raw is on Monday. I remember the helicopter landing in the middle of the night because my room over looked the landing pad and I barely slept for those 6 nights. I don’t remember feeding Ellabelle which sucks cause I only got to breastfeed in the hospital. I don’t remember holding her much. I remember when Josh would get tired and tell me it was time to sleep and he’d turn Ellabelle’s bed to face me so I could see her while she slept.
Here it is a year later and my memories are even less distinguishable. I have so many more amazing ones to store now from the past year. I can’t believe the little baby who would throw her arms up in the air when startled and would only go to sleep if in our bed is now a babbling, crawling little person full of personality and attitude. She can pull herself up onto her knees and eats like a horse. She gives kisses and plays pattycake. She loves to share her toys and steal peoples jewelry and sunglasses. I’m so lucky to be her mom and, even with the weeks of pain and exhaustion that followed, I would do it all over it again in a heartbeat. I love you, Elliebee. Thanks for making me a mom.