Letting go

A year ago I was going through what will probably be the most painful experiences of my life. Granted, I don’t remember much of it, but thats probably biology’s way of helping me want to have more kids and go through it all again. As happy as I was to finally be free of the heavy pains of pregnancy and met the little womb monster who had been kicking me for months, I was also scared and sad. I was no longer going to be able to protect my baby and be the only one lucky enough to know her and her little personality. I had to let go of pregnancy and become a mommy.

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And yesterday, I had to let go once again. Its been a year full of so many changes, and I was afraid of the big one coming on the 22nd: my baby would move from “baby” to “toddler”. It was a scary thought for me. She’s growing up so fast and I feel like all I did was blink and suddenly I was staring ONE right in the face. It wasn’t as scary I thought it would be. In fact, it felt just like any other Monday.

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On Sunday, we celebrated as a family because of working different schedules. We took Ellabelle to the Newport Aquarium. She loved seeing all the fishes.

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I had to wear her because it was a no stroller day at the aquarium. Josh kept asking if I was ok carrying her. I found it ironic since 1 year before I carrying her and an 10 more pounds on my front. I spent her birthday with her on my belly making my shoulders hurt and my back and feet ache. It was like coming full circle in some weird way.

She got to go Toys R Us for her birthday balloon and crown. She got a cupcake all for herself. She got spoiled with a castle, princesses to go in it, and lots of plastic balls to play with. Oh, and my baby got a new baby (baby Ariel) for her birthday too.

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So letting go of her “babyhood” wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I wasn’t weepy about it like I thought I’d be. And I don’t feel baby fever setting in either like I thought it might. I’m perfectly happy with my little family of 3. Ellabelle completed us and made us whole (for now). But most importantly, she helped me let go of being just a person. She made me a mom. She completed me.

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Our 1st Birth day

When a baby is born so is a mom. You wait months for the baby to arrive, but you aren’t really a mom until that little person is here. Everything changes once you see and hold that little baby. You change so much once you have a baby. That day is just as important to you as it is to your baby. DSCN8449

Reflecting back on the one year anniversary of my birth day makes me sad. It makes me sad because it’s somehow already been a whole year, and my baby is no longer a baby. I’m officially the mother of a toddler. That’s only a minor sadness though. The real sadness I experience looking back on July 22, 2012 comes from the fact that I have hardly any memories of that day. All these other moms have this magical “A-ha!” moment when they instantly feel like a mom and are filled with that overabundance of love for this little person.

I, on the other hand, got ripped off. I had no great moment. I had no instant feelings of love. I remember feeling the need to throw up and then actually throwing up. My love for Ellabelle came gradually and, originally, I thought that made me a bad mother. I realize now that with the amount of drugs that had to wear off and the amount of drugs pumped into my body to control pain that I’m lucky I was even aware I had a baby. I slept through visitors and was drugged out of my mind for her first feeding. The first time I remember feeling connected to my little on was when I put her in my bed with me and she fell asleep in my arms. That was when my heart started to expand. That was when I started to fill with all that love you always hear about. 

I feel like I missed out on so much from that day and days after. That hospital room was like the land time forgot. The whole 5 days are just one big ball of time in my head. I’m not able to distinguish days or even time of day in my memory. I do remember that Ellabelle watched the 1000 episode of Raw on the second day but only because I know Raw is on Monday. I remember the helicopter landing in the middle of the night because my room over looked the landing pad and I barely slept for those 6 nights. I don’t remember feeding Ellabelle which sucks cause I only got to breastfeed in the hospital. I don’t remember holding her much. I remember when Josh would get tired and tell me it was time to sleep and he’d turn Ellabelle’s bed to face me so I could see her while she slept. Photo on 2012-07-23 at 09.40

Here it is a year later and my memories are even less distinguishable. I have so many more amazing ones to store now from the past year. I can’t believe the little baby who would throw her arms up in the air when startled and would only go to sleep if in our bed is now a babbling, crawling little person full of personality and attitude. She can pull herself up onto her knees and eats like a horse. She gives kisses and plays pattycake. She loves to share her toys and steal peoples jewelry and sunglasses. I’m so lucky to be her mom and, even with the weeks of pain and exhaustion that followed, I would do it all over it again in a heartbeat. I love you, Elliebee. Thanks for making me a mom. Photo on 7-13-13 at 9.33 PM #2

The 4th

Life is hectic around, as usual. So, here it is, almost 2 weeks later, and I’m just now getting to post about the fourth of July. Normally, when I write a blog in my head or at least start one and the time for it has passed (like the post I had started in my brain for International Women’s Day back in March) I usually just scrap it and let it go. I’m not going to do that for the fourth though. The reason why is the fourth of July is a big deal for my family. It always has been and I’m sure it always will be. And this year our Independence Day was twofold. The first fold (I don’t even know of that’s how you’d say it) is obvious. The celebration of the America’s independence from England. But fold number 2 was freedom from our daily routine.

This whole working opposite schedules is finally wearing on us. I hate only seeing Josh two days a week and Ellabelle only a few hours a day. Plus, Josh has been working Saturdays too! Its been so awful. So the freedom from.work for 4, yes FOUR!, whole days was so amazing I was ready to shoot of fireworks for that reason alone.

I had spent days looking through webpage after webpage trying to find the perfect outfit for EB to wear for her first fourth and found nothing I liked. This outfit was so importnat that I started looking for it at the end of April. Much to my surprise, I found just what I wanted at Babies R Us and I found it in May. So I grabbed that puppy like there was no tomorrow and prayed she wouldn’t stop growing or get massive within two months. Josh was mad because I “didn’t need to spend the money on it right now.” But 😛 on him because EB had to have it and I knew her size would disappear if I waited because that’s always my luck.

So after literally months of waiting to see her in it she looked as cute as I imagined.

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But it rained. All freakin day. Momma got soaked. Daddy got soaked. EB and her precious, perfectly picked out red, white, and blue outfit got soaked. DSCN8150

We go to the Northside Parade every year. So, it was important and exciting to share it with my girl. We toughed out the rain and made the best of it. I figured the loud marching bands would scare EB, but she loved it! She’s definitely got a thing for music.

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So her cute, perfect out fit was worn for about 2 hours and  then we stripped her to her diaper once we got done watching the parade. We went to this bar called Dollar Bills. They didn’t have a changing table. So we changed her on two high top chairs turned towards each other. I guess ingenuity is necessary when you take a baby to a bar. We had planned on leaving her in her stroller but it was soaked. Luckily, after opening it up for awhile and passing EB around from person to person, it was dry enough for her to sit in. We tried to get her to nap. We reclined the stroller seat and covered her with a beach towel, but someone was more interested in looking around and be involved in the party than sleeping. Green-20130704-01335

She finally passed out though. DSCN8157

We went to my godmothers house after that for a little bit but we werent there for long since Josh had to work on Friday. We didn’t have any fireworks to shoot off, and I didn’t get my first sparkler in with EB, but there’s always next year.

So, all in all, EBs first fourth was soggy but memorable. These little memories at this point are more important for me than her, but its cool that I’ll be able to tell her she’s been going to the Northside parade her whole life.

The rest of the weekend was busy too. I helped my parents move in to their new house on Friday. We all went out to breakfast for my sister’s birthday on Saturday.

She loves her Auntie Ang
She loves her Auntie Ang

I did manage to sneak in a nap with my best girls on Saturday before daddy came home from working his Saturday shift.

This was suppose to be a precious picture of EBs hand and Maisy's face, but someone had different ideas when I snapped the shot.
This was suppose to be a precious picture of EBs hand and Maisy’s face, but someone had different ideas when I snapped the shot.

Sunday we went to Florence to have someone look at Joshs comics, got EB $140 worth of Carters clothes for $43, and went to Jungle Jims. The weekend was crazy busy and crazy fun. And now, it’s on to bigger and exciting things – like *SOMEONES* first birthday! I’m sure a tear inducing blog about it (from me at least) will be coming shortly. Until then…Green-20130704-01334