Our life has been pretty damn good lately. I have a job. Josh has a job. Our house isn’t in total disarray. Ellabelle is happy and thriving. Maisy isn’t using the bathroom in the house much anymore and when she does its on her potty pad like its suppose to be. Jericho is throwing up only hair balls and not food. Bellini hasn’t lost his chicken that he loves under the stove. All is well.
So much so that when I mentioned it out loud last night, and Josh made me knock on wood real quick. He’s always worried that whenever anything is going good something bad is about to happen. Still, our glass is really half full these days.
Except when its not. And that’s what I’m going to write about tonight – that empty part of our glass. I’ve been trying to be more positive these days. I try to focus on the good. So, I prefaced this with all the good. It’s a reminder that my life is just that – good.
But I want to come here, to my safe place, and vent. I want to say how there are days Ellabelle won’t stop fussing.
How there are days that Jericho tries to vomit on my chest instead of, well, anywhere else.
How Bellini keeps using the washing machine and table leg as a scratching post.
How Josh sometimes forgets to do something that I asked him, begged him, to do three different times throughout my work shift.
How I don’t get to folding laundry like I planned.
How our kitchen counter is still covered in papers and bills and appliances that were never put away and empty cereal boxes.
How I feel like the worst mom somedays because I put my kid in her playpen and turn on Yo Gabba Gabba so I can nap instead of spending time with her.
How sometimes I get so overwhelmed with people who I don’t think deserve the time or respect my husband gives them.
How I forget to eat lunch somedays.
How showering has gone from a relaxing experience to a burden I must bear throughout the week.
But I’m not going to talk about any of that. Or at least not going to expand. No, tonight, I come here to bitch about my husband. Oddly enough, it’s in a good way. I miss him. That’s my complaint. I see him 25 minutes a day and its in a car with a baby who is either trying to destroy everything she can get her hands on or is fussy and sometimes, on a good day, its both.
I miss talking to him in more than 10 minutes intervals. I miss laying on the couch together. I miss having him lay next to me at night. I miss having dinner together. I miss him playing duty while I craft. I miss both of us giving EB her bath and putting her in bed for the night. I miss being a wife.
This weekend we got a night away from the baby. We had a good time at my cousin’s wedding, but I wasn’t there, not completely anyways. My mind was still with my baby. I’ve gotten better about not worrying about her so much. Still, I feel like I’m having a really hard time being just a wife in those few moments we manage to get without her around. I haven’t learned how to switch off the mommy mode. Maybe I won’t ever be able to. I don’t know. What I do know is I’ve got to be better about it. Josh tries so hard to be a good hubby. He’s amazing. I feel like I’m letting him down on my half of the deal.
we clean up good 😉
I have gone from pregnant-and-complaining wife to stay-at-home-mom wife to the MIA wife. I just suck as a wife right now. During the week, we are but two ships passing in the 3pm hour. We get weekends together, and they are currently booked solid. I’m looking forward to August because my calendar is open then and that means more Josh time and more family time with the three of us. I’m sure it’ll fill as we get closer, but still.
So, clearly, my life is still pretty good. My biggest complaint is never seeing my husband. Some people wish to be this lucky. We push on with our days. Hopefully, the cup will stay half full. Or, even better, maybe it will fill all the way up.