The Tuesday Theory

I have this theory about work. Josh doesn’t like. I stand by this theory though. I call it the Tuesday Theory.

(insert dramatic music here)

The Tuesday Theory states that Monday is, in fact, not the worst day of the work week; Tuesday is. Here’s why: Monday is the first day of the week. You’re starting fresh. You probably have work you put off on Friday waiting to be done. You may be dragging and need an extra shot of caffeine, but Monday isn’t really all that bad once you’re at work.

Tuesday, however, is a slow, tedious day at work. Those fumes you were running on from you’re weekend high have been burnt through. The work you do on a Tuesday is the same work you did the day before and the same work you’ll do tomorrow and the day after and the day after. Suddenly, the monotony of your boring, pointless job is crashing down on you crushing you as you try to force yourself to carry on.

Let us evaluate:

Monday – you’re still clinging to the great memories of the past weekend be they fun and exciting or as simple as sleeping in
Tuesday – still 3 days away from the upcoming weekend – too far from the past one to be reminiscing yet too far from the next to really get excited about plans
Wednesday –  Hump Day brings the joy of knowing that the week is half way over and all downhill from there
Thursday – Friday eve brings with it the anticipation of freedom. It’s like the last leg of a long trip, it’s the homestretch. Many people enjoy Thirsty Thursday as a way to start the party early
Friday – T.G.I.mother-effinF. Start putting off work to do for Monday. It can totally wait.

Tuesday is the desert of the week. It’s empty and desolate. Tuesday is when you need that ice cold taste of freedom that you so desperately desire in the wasteland of the week, but it’s not coming. Think about it. Pay attention to your work days next week. Which one drags out the longest? Which one is the hardest to focus through? Tuesday is waiting.

My Tuesday is thankfully over and soon most people will be getting up to start their Wednesday. We’ve made it through this weeks desert, people. Be glad. Until next week…

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The big 39 weeks and 2 days

39 weeks.
274 days.
6,576 hours.
394,560 seconds.

For 39 weeks, Ellabelle Louise lived inside of me. Only I knew her. Only I felt her. Only I got kicked in the pelvis by her. I knew her personality and her little quirks – like how her only liked to kick me at night and how she preferred to sleep on the top of my belly when I was on my side and it felt like she was trying to burst out. She loved popsicles. I had at least 3 a day.

For 39 weeks, I was uncomfortable and sick and nauseous. I had awful pain in my legs. I had morning sickness at night for the entire pregnancy.

For 39 weeks, she grew fingers and toes and organs and went from one tiny cell to many, many cells that function as a whole. She became a human.

Then, she came. At 39 weeks and 1 day, she was ushered into the world. After almost 24 hours in labor, she was quickly pulled out via emergency c-section.

And now, it’s 39 weeks and 2 days later. She’s a not just a tiny human anymore. She’s a little person.

After 39 weeks,  she can stand with help. She can roll with a mission. She babbles a lot. She talks to herself when she’s falling asleep. She yells at her blankets. She can feed herself, both bottle-wise and food-wise. She loves Yo Gabba Gabba. She prefers to sleep on her tummy. She loves being in her carseat. She hates being held facing the body. She loves shopping and trying to eat her zippers.

After 39 weeks, she’s on her way to becoming an amazing, inquisitive, stubborn little girl. Plus, she’s grown lots of dark hair and is working on her 3rd and 4th tooth coming in.

Today, 39 weeks and 2 days later, she’s officially been out longer than she was in.

Happy 39 weeks and 2 days, Elliebee! 521631_10100242175879900_382352937_n

Tears and love

I feel too much. Not many people know or realize this fact, but Josh, well, he’s more than well aware of it. He knows if I hear something sad I’m going to deal with it in my usual way: get sad, probably cry, get frustrated, get mad, and then accept and try and make a rational conclusion about it. I do it every time. I cry for people I don’t know when they lose a loved one. I cry even worse when it is someone I know or, worse, someone I love. I get sad on anniversaries of things, like Friday was my Grandma’s birthday. And Josh knew what to expect. After 6 years, he knows.

Friday was a prime example of my feeling too much. It was a sad day for me. I had been sad about it for days before and then it got here. I surprisingly handled it well. No tears for my Grandma this year. No tears over her missing out on Ellabelle (well not on Friday anyways). Then I got a text while at work. Josh’s good friend had something awful happen to him – his wife of only 10 days had died suddenly. Josh let me know, and, surprisingly, I was fine. So, I kept working and didn’t think much of it, mostly because I couldn’t let myself think about it. Then I got a text from Josh that said, “I can’t stop shaking. Trying not to cry.” The fact that he was upset said a lot. Josh never gets upset. So I got up and called him. Then, there in the stairwell of the second floor of the Gateway building, it started. The tears. 

I hate crying in front of people especially at work. I’ve only done it one other time back when I worked at Red Lobster, but it was awful. But they came anyways. You never can stop the tears when they decide to come. I must’ve looked a mess cause everyone kept looking at me like it was bile shooting out of me and not tears. I don’t get why people are so afraid of other people crying, but my boss was worried about me. She didn’t think I could breathe and offered to call the nurse over from the other building. Like I said, I must’ve looked way worse than I thought I did. After some discussion, I was headed home with the promise to let my boss know I made it safe, cause apparently I really did look like I was about crumble onto the floor in full panic attack mode. 

I cried the whole way home while on the phone with Josh. That evening wasn’t any better. Both of us were wrecks. I’m sure Ellabelle was confused. She did seem to keep looking at us like, “What is wrong with you?” There’s just so much tragic about the whole thing, but I think, for Josh and I, it hits way too close to home. It could’ve easily been us last July. I almost died. Josh was almost left alone. Somehow, though, we were spared that awful fate. I think that’s why we were both so upset by it. It’s like a wound that had healed over time for us that was opened up again. It could’ve been us, and neither of us can just shake that fact. Plus, the fact that this is happening to someone we know, someone so young, someone who had just started planning life but hadn’t gotten to start living those plans. And now I’m trying not to cry again. Like I said, I feel too much.

So, today, we make our way down to Ashland, Kentucky to say goodbye to Bekah, to be one of many shoulders offered to Craig, to hopefully find some little piece of closure to an open scar for us. 

And while one friend deals with the pain of a loved one taken too soon because of natural causes, I deal with the thought that someone or some people decided to take away other peoples loved ones in Boston yesterday. I am thankful that I don’t have a tv right now because it keeps that tragic event from becoming all too real to me and, right now, I don’t know if I could handle having all the emotions of all that piled on today as well. Still, what little I know makes my heart hurt as well as my head. There are so many questions still open from it all. The one that bothers me the most is why would someone do that to innocent people? I know there are a lot of people asking that. The second one is what kind of world is my child being raised in? 

And there always seems to be something to cry about. I try not to read the newspaper or internet stories too often. I try to know just enough about the going-ons in the world, the latest tragedy, but not too much. I have to distance myself or I’d cry every day. And I try to soak in the moments that make me truly happy. I used to wonder if I would ever find true happiness. I have been fortunate enough to feel it. It came in a very small package that almost cost me everything, but it was well worth it. Image

I take in as much of these moments as I can because the world sucks. Life sucks. People suck. And at the end of it all, at least, I’ll have that feeling. The world has a lot of healing to do. It has a lot to be upset about. It also has a lot of love. We all need to find the love. It’s the only thing that can help make us whole again. All you need is love. Image

But still, being human, I get angry about all these crappy things. I get sad about these things. I, usually, cry about these things. Not today though. Today, if I cry, it will be for Craig and Bekah. My tears will be for the people I know. They deserve that. I can cry for other people and other families who have lost loved ones and are dealing with similar pains tomorrow. I can cry for puppies and kittens on that awful tv commercial tomorrow. I can be upset about the dead goose in the road tomorrow. Today, my heart, my tears, my love go to a couple torn apart too soon. Today, Josh and I share the love by simply being there. Cause, after all…Image

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Dear Grandma,

Happy Birthday! I hope you’re having a good day so far. I hope, wherever you are, Grandpa was able to get you a box of chocolate covered ginger. Or at least made you a cup of tea.

I want to start by thanking you for watching over me and Ellabelle in July. I’ve dealt with a lot religious questions since you died, and, while I no longer believe in angels, I know you were as close as there is to one. Something told my doctor to skip her shower that morning and get into the hospital to check on me, and I am thankful everyday that she did. I like to think it was you whispering in her ear to get her to your girls. We needed you then and you came through for us. Ellabelle Louise was healthy and beautiful, and the doctors have even used the word “perfect” to describe her. She is the light of so many lives, and I know you cradled her in your arms and grandpa kissed her before you two sent her to me. That’s why she didn’t cry at first. She knew you’d never send her somewhere that wasn’t safe. 232323232fp6327->nu=3359>792>998>WSNRCG=3486<475<8337nu0mrjWhat I picture – just 25 years older 🙂

And speaking of Ellabelle, you would love her. She’s not even nine months old yet and she’s already got us running around at her beck and call. She’s ornery and stubborn to the core. She’s determined to get what she wants when she wants it. She’s a lil Amy, or I guess a Lil Sweetcake. And this personality of hers, well it gets her into trouble. So she gets middle named a lot. That means she gets called Ellabelle Louise a LOT. And every time I call her that it makes my heart smile (even if she is in trouble). DSCN7431

I don’t have a connection with her first name. I don’t look at her when I say her first name and think of Erma Ellabella unless I’m explaining where her name comes from, but her middle name is super special to me. It feels like my last connection directly to you. I can almost feel you hugging me and holding my hand when I see her and hear Louise.

This March I got a job at the IRS. I know you’d think it’s so neat that I work where my dad does. And I use the word neat because I remember you always saying it. Oh, and you know what else is neat? The fact that Ellabelle looks like me. You always told me how neat you thought it was that I look like my dad so Ellabelle looks like him too. And he’s so great at being grandpa. I know you’d love seeing him with her. pics comp

Honestly, other than Ellabelle and my new job, there isn’t much different here. I still miss you all the time. It comes and goes. Somedays I’ll just feel the painful gap you left like it’s fresh. Other days it easier to live with. We just aren’t the same without the two of you here. Things are different. You were the glue that held us all together. We just aren’t complete anymore. And it breaks my heart to look at Ellabelle and think about you guys never getting to meet her, here. She will never get to play along with Grandpa’s jokes or sit and talk to you or check the pumpkin for dum-dum suckers.

Well, anyways, I hope you have a great day! We all love and miss you so much. Enjoy 94! It’s a big deal. So close to the big 100! Keep watching over us, and give Grandpa a hug and kiss for me.

Love from your sweetcake,

Amy

Scan 19

I’m the kind of mom that

I’m the kind of mom that checks on her sleeping baby at least once a night before I can go to sleep. 417747_10100218479752130_853715605_n

I’m the kind of mom that loves that her baby never matches – the more colors the better. She can only get away with the hot mess look for so long. I embrace it. 555373_10100177996296300_345811852_n

I’m the kind of mom that loves having her baby fall asleep in her arms in the big bed regardless of people continually telling me that it’s a bad habit to start. 575035_10100161425484340_725879101_n

I’m the kind of mom that sneaks in and takes pictures and videos of my girl sleeping because, I know, someday, she won’t be this small. 581751_10100214550077230_610370619_n

I’m the kind of mom that buys my baby something every time I go to the store. It’s a marvel that we haven’t become hoarders of baby stuff. 196512_998394058650_1413318791_n

I’m the kind of mom that wants to be the favorite, who wants to be her #1. I’m also the kind of mom that gets jealous when she loves her daddy best. 282868_10100161423877560_1501178372_n

I’m the kind of mom that loves sharing my love of books with my girl even if she’d rather play with the tag of her crib sheep then listen or look at pictures at this point. 398729_10100161424137040_1688369982_n

I’m the kind of mom that fills up the bathtub for bedtime bath time and decides on a whim to jump in with her so that we can play in the bubbles together. 553344_10100210432623640_1013060684_n

I’m the kind of mom that loves to rest my cheek on her head so I can feel her soft hair and smell her sweet baby smell. 525245_10100210432439010_1380519480_n

I’m the kind of mom that runs her fingers over long eyelashes and noms on cheeks. 393994_10100128126919930_856067798_n

I’m the kind of mom that misses having her baby inside and loves wearing her baby on her chest in her carrier since it’s closest I can get to having her inside again. 71862_10100197794964610_1866860145_n

I’m the kind of mom that wants to be the Lorelai to her Rory. 523541_10100230959582450_1780655628_n

I’m the kind of mom that plans months in advance for holidays and carefully picks out outfits for her to wear on those special days. Untitled

I’m the kind of mom that misses her baby while she’s asleep because it means I can’t be with her. 539019_10100179848329810_275425153_n

I’m the kind of mom that takes too many pictures because I know that those pictures will be treasured keepsakes someday and that there will never be enough pictures of her as a baby once she’s older. 392763_10100229897281310_1965849837_n

I’m the kind of mom that hates when daddy says “when you live under my roof, you live by my rules,” because I’m not that kind of mom at all. I’m a raise’em right and trust’em kind of mom. 155345_10100125210145170_1557067793_n

I’m the kind of mom that has already started planning Disney World vacations and summer zoo visits. 579130_10100217547116140_1137903332_n

I’m the kind of mom that considers herself a mom to four babies – two cats, a chihuahua, and the demon child that I grew. 74997_10100192638188830_1041011049_n

I’m the kind of mom that spends 30 minutes making a party hat for the dog for her birthday, insists on buying her gifts for a day she doesn’t even realizes exists, and makes sure to take and share pictures of her in said hat and with said presents. 61748_10100198160177720_263082406_n

I’m the kind of mom that kisses all her babies goodnight – cats, dog, baby, and husband. 300193_10100232540763750_868117827_n

I’m the kind of mom that is reluctant to leave my girl even though I know it’s for the best, be it for my sanity or for financial gain. 207656_10100163381095280_1298637475_n

I’m the kind of mom that holds the baby monitor up to my ear just to hear her breathe. 544405_10100222435599580_1313212755_n

I’m the kind of mom that wants to always help and tries to fix everything. 734322_10100217743118350_5638209_n

I’m the kind of mom that already dreams of packing special lunches and leaving little notes in the perfectly picked out lunchbox. 417578_10100210433127630_19368350_n

I’m the kind of mom that worries about making things perfect even though she won’t remember any of it like her first halloween and her first birthday. 14369_10100123652786130_257803353_n

I’m the kind of mom that is a momma bear. You better watch your back if you come between me and my cub. 543906_10100175016807220_683843313_n

I’m the kind of mom that loves deeply and furiously and wants to absorb every little detail of the tiny human in front of me. 23358_10100177800528620_1294426251_n