Today, I face the river

Today, I am a nervous wreck.

Today, I go back to work. I’m nervous. And scared. And excited.

Today, I become a person again. I’ve been just a mommy for 6 months. I have almost forgotten what it feels like to just be me. To be a functioning member of society. To talk and think and do things that aren’t baby related. And part of me feels guilty about that. I don’t want to leave my baby. I want to give 100% of my attention and time to her. I feel like she deserves that. However, I know I have to go back so that I can make money so I can get her out of this trailer park into a real house in a real neighborhood. I have to do this for her. I have to be big and brave and conquer the outside world. Or, at least, I have to try.

Today, I give up bedtime. I give up giving her her bedtime bath. I give wrapping her lil warm body in snuggly jammies and putting her in her crib and giving her her goodnight kiss. I’m going to miss reading her her bedtime story. I’m going to give up being the last face she sees before she falls asleep. I’m handing those rights over to daddy.

Today, I have had to take a lorazepam and it’s not even 11am yet. I’m not joking about having a really hard time with this.

Today, I’m going to go take a shower since she’s napping. I’m going to eat lunch. I’m going to snuggle my baby and feed her and play with her. I’m going to be responsible. I’m going to be a hot mess on the inside and confident on the outside. I’m going to go into work, work my 4 hours (yes, it’s only 4 hours, why am I being such a baby about this?), and come home.

Tomorrow, well, tomorrow is going to be the rough day. It’s an 8 hour shift, during the day, a day Josh is off too. I’m going to hate working weekends. I’m loosing time with both of my loves. But, tomorrow is tomorrow. And hopefully, today will be okay, and it will affirm that I can, in fact, do this. That I am big and brave and not scared of new things.

Today, I’m taking that giant leap – small compared to other leaps others have taken, but a huge jump for me. I just have to keep thinking of the other side of the river. The other side is beautiful and green and it’s spring over there. It’s icy on this side of the river. Its time to close my eyes and leap, because you can’t cross the river in two small steps.

Today, my mommy hat gets hung up for a few short hours, and I get to put my Amy hat back on. Let’s hope it still fits.


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