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All my life, I’ve dreamed big. It’s what I was told to do.

Reach for the stars.
Set your goals high and then go higher.
You can be anything you want to be. 

So, I did. I wanted to be ::throat clear:: the first woman president of the United States of America.

Talk about setting the bar high.

Then I wanted to be a high school English teacher.
Then a lawyer.
Then a college English professor.

Now…now, I think I want to be a bird. Well, I’ve always wanted to be a bird, but now, I think that’s what I want to be most. I want to be happy, and I think being a bird will make me happy. I don’t want to be a big bird or a scary bird. Just a little chickadee maybe. They’re cute and sweet. They always seem like they’re happy.

I want to just be happy.

Why is happiness such a hard concept anyways? Money blurs the view of happiness, obviously, but it’s not hard to be happy. It takes much less energy to be happy than it does to be sad or mad. Still, it seems everyone is always trying to be happy instead of just being happy.

Like me, I’m sitting in a building, inside away from the rain. I’m being paid to sit here. I have food I could eat if I wanted to, and I have cold bottles of water to drink should I choose. I’m healthy for the most part. Everyone I love is healthy and safe (as far as I know). My baby is kicking me. My puppy and kittybabies have food and water and a roof. I have on clean clothes, and I can go home and take a hot shower after work just by turning the knobs in my bathtub. How can I possibly be unhappy?

Except that I am. I’m unhappy to be sitting here, paid or not. I’m unhappy that I feel like I’m wasting my life away because I was told to be something better than where I am. I feel cheated by life because I promised all these great things would happen for me. I’m a bottom of the totem position at a company that has made it clear they don’t want me around anymore. This is not what I was told life would be like. I was promised a dream job and a cookie cutter house with a yard that doesn’t smell like rotting meat. I did everything right. I went to college out of high school. I got through in 4 years. I even made Deans/Scholars List a few times. I found a guy, got married, and got a job. I did it the way it was suppose to be done. Yet, it’s not at all how it is supposed to be.

People may say I’m spoiled. I say I’ve been lied to and led on my entire life. Those who criticize this generation forget who raised it. Don’t spend my whole life telling me the sky’s the limit and then tell me to be content at the bottom of the pile in the dirt.

I will find happiness. I will find what I’m looking for…eventually. I won’t give up because I was taught all my life to never give up. I don’t have a choice. I’ve been feed nothing else. I will have it all. I just may have to take a different route then the map I was handed at birth. I may fall down on my face a few times to get there, but I won’t let criticism and negativity and, most importantly, myself get in the way.

So, yeah, when I grow up, I want to be a bird. They get the dirt and the sky. They get the wind in their feathers and the freedom to go to the stars if they want. I will spread my wings and fly. I will.

Yeah, I want to be a bird.


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