1 year ago

May 21, 2011 – I remember having to drag myself out of bed so that I could shower. I always hate seeing 8am on a Saturday. I showered and dressed carefully, making sure that the top I put on was a button down. I drove alone, more likely than not with the music up, to Mitchell’s. I waited as patiently as possible trying to figure out which girl would be the one working with me. I had some ideas to give her once she came out, but I let her have free range. After about an hour, I was back in the car, heading home, to try and keep myself busy for a short while.

Finally, I headed out to the corner of Galbraith and Cheviot. There were already a lot of people already there. I headed straight in more focused on getting everything that needed to be done.

The rest of the day was kinda a blur. I got dressed. 

I sent Angie to hand out flowers. I called Josh to make sure everyone was ready.

I waited impatiently to head out to get pictures taken. 

I remember being so nervous seeing the back of Josh as I made my way to him outside. And then he turned. We acted like two 6th graders, all shy and awkward with one another- him beaming, me pulling on his vest. 

Finally, someone from the wedding party yelled, “Kiss her!” So we did. And the tension broke. 

We had many more pictures to take. 

I remember running back in so people wouldn’t see me before the ceremony. Finally we all lined up. I remember that I couldn’t stop smiling as I made my way down the aisle. I couldn’t stop smiling the entire ceremony. I kept almost giggling. Josh seemed to think something was wrong with me. 

We were finally made man and wife, kissed, and shared a special “busha baby” moment.

We made our way out so excited that the “business” part of the day was taken care of and the party could begin. 

I remember the anticipation as we stood behind closed doors for our entrance.

I remember the toasts and so many different faces as we made our way around.  

I remember running outside to do pictures right before dinner. 

I remember eating hardly anything. I remember smushing the cake in Josh’s face and running away. 

I remember our first dance. 

I remember the father daughter dance. 

I remember tossing the bouquet, and Josh removing the garter. 

I remember dancing all night, forgetting to drink anything until Josh shoved a glass of water in my hand. 

The overall memory of the night was just a blur. Sometimes I wish I could go back and watch as a bystander and take it all in. It was an amazing, sparkling memory that I’ll cherish forever. 

I married my best friend that day, and this past year has been amazing. We moved into our first home. We found out we were expecting our first baby. Josh found a “big boy” job with city. We’re finally starting to get on our feet. 

They say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. If this is as hard as it gets, I’m very much looking forward to the next +40 years. 

I love you, Josh. Muchisimo.
Thanks for a wonderful year =) 

Week 31 updates

How far along? 31 weeks and 3 days

Total weight gain/lost: from pre-pregnancy weight + 17lbs

Maternity clothes? Rockin the large and XL tshirts

Stretch marks? They keep multiplying

Best moment of the week: getting into the pool for the first time this summer

Missing anything? subway

Movement? She’s pretty quiet during the day, but likes to party at night

Cravings: fruit and veggies

Anything making you queasy or sick? nope

Have you started to show? People keep telling me I look small

Labor signs? Not yet ::knock on wood::

Belly button in or out? Still an innie

Wedding ring on or off? Off =[

Mood: exhausted and frustrated

Looking forward to: Josh getting a paycheck

XxXxX

Baby update: nothing big to tell about. She’s still in there. I’m still out here. The heartburn comes and goes, and it’s awful when it happens. She’s on track last we heard so it’s looking like she’s gonna keep cooking until the end of July.

Mommy update: I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago. I had been experiencing serious dizziness for 3 days prior to going in. On Tuesday morning, I fell two different times, once in the bathroom and once in the kitchen. I went to see my OB who said it was just dehydration and that I needed to up my fluid intake. I did but the dizziness persisted. I called the office again Thursday and was told that I may have a sinus infection in the sinus cavity over my eyebrows (didn’t even know there was one there! lol). I couldn’t take over the counter meds because of how far along I am so I had to go see my regular doctor.

She confirmed that I did indeed have a sinus infection as well as a middle ear infection. She gave me an antibiotic and told me to let her know if I didn’t feel better the next week. The meds she prescribed ended up making me feel worse! The pressure in my head spread and nothing felt like it was getting better.

So, today, I went back and saw her again. She told me that the antibiotics she prescribed hadn’t worked like she had hoped and prescribed some stronger ones that are still safe for Ellabelle. I’ve been put on short term disability at work, and I’m off the rest of the week to see if I can finally kick this.

Fortunately, the dizziness has started coming and going. However, when it’s around, it’s bad. I still haven’t been able to drive a car. I’m looking forward to feeling better since all of this is happening on top of all my wonderful 3rd trimester aches and pains.

XxXxX

I have a few blogs started that I’ll hopefully be posting later this week. It’s just difficult to look at the computer screen for too long without getting dizzy. For now, enjoy a picture of a stupid cat: 

 

Week 29 update and Random Happys

How far along? 29 weeks and 2 days

Total weight gain/lost: from pre-pregnancy weight – 15lbs

Maternity clothes? have some, but still trying to stretch the regular clothes

Stretch marks? Trying to cocoa butter them away

Best moment of the week: Mother’s Day

Missing anything? Lunch meat

Movement? Less than previous weeks, but she’s still move around

Cravings: popsicles

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really

Have you started to show? yep

Gender? Lil Miss Ellabelle

Labor signs? Not yet ::knock on wood::

Belly button in or out? In but closer to the opening

Wedding ring on or off? On

Mood: tired. Is that a mood? Oh, well, it is today…

Looking forward to: The next two Monday’s – our 1 yr anniversary and being off for Memorial Day

We’re down into the single digits – 74 days to be exact. Under 11 weeks until she’s here, and I can’t tell if I’m antsy or anxious about her arrival. Either way, we’re getting close to having that room of hers done. She keeps getting more and more clothes and items, all of them pink of course. I don’t think people can stop themselves! I keep saying it, but, it’s so true, she’s already so spoiled!

I’ve tried to think of everything I could in order to get in a “babymoon” before lil EB gets here. I decided I wanted to do one when we were on our honeymoon and there were pregnant women all over the resort we were staying at. I wanted one of my own someday and, now, it’s never gonna happen. =( There’s just no time left Well, there’s one weekend that would be perfect, but Josh is Josh and it isn’t going to happen. I’m bummed, but its okay. Josh wants to take Ellabelle to the beach next year, and, frankly, I’m itching to see the shore already. So, we’ll just save up and take a family vacay next year.

XxXxX

And now, I present, some random happys:

Our anniversary 

It’s week from today. It’s hardly to believe it’s been an entire year. It’s felt like it’s gone by so quickly yet like we’ve been married forever. We’re hopefully going to be able to do something special for it. Nothing too fancy, just something to remember the day.

My first (almost) mommy’s day 

I got a gift bag from my manimal babies (and Josh), a recordable story book from Ellabelle, and a gift card to Meijer and two adorable sleepers for lil EB from my sister, Angie. Ellabelle made her grandma some cupcakes for the special day as well. 

We spent the day running around because we’ve got lots of people to see. We went to Aunt B. Nana’s for a cook out that ended up being inside due to the rain, but the food and company were awesome as usual. Maisy got to go see her cousin Tillee who is a yorkie-poo. The two of them seemed to enjoy each other – chasing and butt sniffing ensued. Aunt B. Nana even shared a hot dog with her and Tillee. 

After that we headed to Josh’s dad’s house for dinner. It also happens to be his dad’s birthday today so it was a double duty visit. Maisy loved showing off and prancing around there as well. She slept in the car and was ready to pass out by the time we got home.

My boys 

Josh started his big boy job today! YAH! =)

4:00 

Four and out the door. Home to my puppy.

This: 

The boopy thief 

 

Have a happy monday!

Tweet tweet

All my life, I’ve dreamed big. It’s what I was told to do.

Reach for the stars.
Set your goals high and then go higher.
You can be anything you want to be. 

So, I did. I wanted to be ::throat clear:: the first woman president of the United States of America.

Talk about setting the bar high.

Then I wanted to be a high school English teacher.
Then a lawyer.
Then a college English professor.

Now…now, I think I want to be a bird. Well, I’ve always wanted to be a bird, but now, I think that’s what I want to be most. I want to be happy, and I think being a bird will make me happy. I don’t want to be a big bird or a scary bird. Just a little chickadee maybe. They’re cute and sweet. They always seem like they’re happy.

I want to just be happy.

Why is happiness such a hard concept anyways? Money blurs the view of happiness, obviously, but it’s not hard to be happy. It takes much less energy to be happy than it does to be sad or mad. Still, it seems everyone is always trying to be happy instead of just being happy.

Like me, I’m sitting in a building, inside away from the rain. I’m being paid to sit here. I have food I could eat if I wanted to, and I have cold bottles of water to drink should I choose. I’m healthy for the most part. Everyone I love is healthy and safe (as far as I know). My baby is kicking me. My puppy and kittybabies have food and water and a roof. I have on clean clothes, and I can go home and take a hot shower after work just by turning the knobs in my bathtub. How can I possibly be unhappy?

Except that I am. I’m unhappy to be sitting here, paid or not. I’m unhappy that I feel like I’m wasting my life away because I was told to be something better than where I am. I feel cheated by life because I promised all these great things would happen for me. I’m a bottom of the totem position at a company that has made it clear they don’t want me around anymore. This is not what I was told life would be like. I was promised a dream job and a cookie cutter house with a yard that doesn’t smell like rotting meat. I did everything right. I went to college out of high school. I got through in 4 years. I even made Deans/Scholars List a few times. I found a guy, got married, and got a job. I did it the way it was suppose to be done. Yet, it’s not at all how it is supposed to be.

People may say I’m spoiled. I say I’ve been lied to and led on my entire life. Those who criticize this generation forget who raised it. Don’t spend my whole life telling me the sky’s the limit and then tell me to be content at the bottom of the pile in the dirt.

I will find happiness. I will find what I’m looking for…eventually. I won’t give up because I was taught all my life to never give up. I don’t have a choice. I’ve been feed nothing else. I will have it all. I just may have to take a different route then the map I was handed at birth. I may fall down on my face a few times to get there, but I won’t let criticism and negativity and, most importantly, myself get in the way.

So, yeah, when I grow up, I want to be a bird. They get the dirt and the sky. They get the wind in their feathers and the freedom to go to the stars if they want. I will spread my wings and fly. I will.

Yeah, I want to be a bird.

The Good List

There’s that list. I know you’ve seen it. We all have. It has neon signs flashing around it. It’s written on pretty paper with sparkly gel pen. It draws you in, and makes you want to look at it. But it’s a trap. All the flashing and grandeur are meant to just pull you in because what’s on that list, it’s bad. It’s horrible and awful and terrible and that list of all the bad is always oh so very long. It’s like in a dream where you keep running and running and you never get anywhere. That list just keeps going. A quick glance and my copy of that list would show back pain and hip pain, sleepiness, weepiness from hormones, lack of appreciation, the prospect of having to see certain people I’d really rather not this weekend, uncertainty about things in the future (very specific things), and so on and so on. That list, it can consume a person, and, while I like to glance at it from time to time, I try not to focus on its contents. It’s like a cavity – you keep blowing air throw it just make sure it still hurts. But I have promised myself to see the positives when life hands me negatives. I mean, the good list, it’s not as flashy, and it may not be as pretty, and it’s written on ordinary, every day paper, but it is just as long as that bad list if you take the time to look at it.

1. Blowy things

I have a thing for blowy things (scientific name: dandelion seeds). I love them. I will run into yards to pick them and scatter their lovely fluffiness everywhere. Never mind that they’re weeds. Never mind that the people who’s yard have them usually hate them (and probably me for spreading the seeds). Blowy things are misunderstood. They are whimsy embodied. They are magic. They go places I can’t even dream of going. They are a true representation of beauty is in the eye of the beholder because I think they are beautiful.

And, somewhere around here, there are lots of them. Well, at least it looks there is. Maybe there’s another plant that has soft, wispy, white puffs that fly around carelessly in the wind. I’d like to meet this plant if it exists. From my limited knowledge of the seedlings of the plant world though, I can only assume there is giant field of blowy things somewhere close by. How do I know? Because it looks like it’s snowing outside my office window. Big, huge, downy flakes falling from the sky. And since I know it’s currently 80° outside and snow would never be able to stay held together, plus I tried to catch a few on my way out to lunch, I know they are indeed identical to dandelion seeds. There must be hundreds of little tufts just swirling around in the wind, and they make me happy. Can you picture all the blowy things? Heaven.

2. People who think they are above the law

Ok, I don’t really like people who think that they are above the law. However, I’m very happy they exist because it means there are parking tickets to given and boots to be placed. And you know who gives tickets and places boots? The parking enforcement department. And you know who starts work at the parking enforcement department next Monday? This guy: 

Watch out, people of Cincinnati. Biggie’s on patrol.

3. Warm, sunshiney days

I love days when the sun’s high and warm, and there’s hardly a cloud in the sky. Those days need to be celebrated, and there’s no better way to celebrate than to take the puppy dog to the lake. Sure, sometimes the dog won’t stay out of the road, and the husband complains that his toes are going to get sunburnt, and everyone smells like musty outside once you get home, but those days are also what make living in Ohio bearable. 

4. The prospect of naps

Not every day can be sunny though. Some days, it’s cloudy and kinda dreary looking. Those days call, no, they beg for naps. Naps are those things you hated as a kid and loved as a college student. They are equally as nice for pregnant women. I love taking naps. I love when I get to take naps with my puppy and my husband. They make every thing seem so wonderful, and the day has purpose when a nap is included in the schedule (your purpose is to survive until your nap). I have one scheduled for about 4:30 today. Oh, nappy nappy nappy.

Naps are something we are really good at in the Hawkins House 

 

5. Pudding cups

I recently re-discovered my love of pudding cups. I went through a pudding cup phase in college. I even wrote a poem called “Ode to a Pudding Cup.” It got lost in the great myspace delete of 2008. I hated them in grade school, but I realize now that it was because they were never cold in my lunch. They have to be cold, and they have to be chocolate and vanilla swirl. The best thing about pudding cups is that they are $1 for 4 of them. 

Cheap and delicious. I ate my last one for lunch today. That goes on the bad list, but we’re going to the grocery store tonight so it won’t be on the bad list for long!

Even my calendar tries to keep me away from the bad list. My quote for May:

“Be like a flower and turn your face to the sun.”

I will be a flower. Maybe I’ll be a blowy thing.

Baby Weekend

This whole past weekend was centered around one thing – Ellabelle. That’s how life is going to be in less than 3 months anyways so it was a nice practice run through. I’m sure the crying and feedings and pooping will make the rest of our life a little more dirty and exhausting, but still, a dress rehearsal is still better than not practicing at all.

Friday I took a much needed vacation day except it didn’t really feel like a vacation day. I had to get up early and eat something so I could drink the lovely sugary concoction that is part of the 1 hour glucose test. Then we drove to the lab so we could sit until my hour was up and have my blood drawn. I had to eat after the test too. I felt fine except for a little queasiness before the blood was drawn. I found out yesterday that I passed the glucose part with flying colors. However, I’m low on iron and my white blood cell count is up.

After visits to Target, Dollar Tree, and Jungle Jim’s, we spent the rest of Friday cleaning the house. The house is much happier when it’s clean. You can just tell. It’s more willing to allow the air to circulate through, and the walls relax. Ok, the walls don’t actually get a much needed vacation, but you get the point – a happy home is a happy life.

Ellabelle’s shower was Saturday. And, while the always expected stress and drama didn’t fail to deliver, it was still a good day. We got so many amazing things from everyone who came out, and there was a ton of yummy food. We are so spoiled to have so many people who love us and are just as excited about out little itty bit as we are, and there’s no doubt that this little girl will be just as spoiled (if not more) once she’s here. My fake belly cake

the diaper bikeme and Auntie Ang at the showerour little familysome of her awesome gifts

Sunday we took back the few things we got that we didn’t need or already had and bought some other things for our girl. We walked out of the store with our travel system (stroller, infant car seat, and car seat base for in the car), her play pen, some more bottles, and pacifiers. I think we cleaned up pretty good this weekend. Like I said, she’s already so spoiled. We sorted through her gifts, organized everything, and put together her crib, travel swing, stroller, and mobile. We also did a ton of baby laundry. Mamaw Karen got her so many clothes that I don’t think she’ll be able to wear them all. I even ignored my OCD and folded them with Josh. Ellabelle’s travel systemher playpen/bed for the first few weeksher crib all put togetherher name all up on the wall – that means it’s officially her room now!

I was sick yesterday, and today isn’t going much better. This whole high white blood cell count thing could be to blame. However, the sun is out after the monsoon that happened last night, so I’m happy. I’m happy it’s finally feeling like spring, even if I am planning on spending the afternoon in bed. Also, yesterday, Josh found out he got the city job! YAH! This was exactly what we’ve needed. Thank God, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, and any of deity that may have had a part in this!

There are a lot of things I keep fretting over that are in the future and completely out of my control. Josh is constantly telling me to just let go of these things and not worry about them, but that’s not in my nature. I like to be in control even though I know, logically, that I can’t control everything and everyone. I think that’s the lesson that’s going to be the hardest for me to fully grasp as a mother. There are going to be plenty of occasions where I want to control my baby’s surroundings and the way people treat her. I’m not always going to be able to though.

I will have to learn to let things go.

Cause, really, there isn’t a dress rehearsal for life. You gotta just grab the bull by the horns and dive head first into everything. Worrying just takes time away from being happy. It’s a rocking chair – doesn’t get you anywhere, just gives you something to do. So, I constantly have to remind myself to get out of the chair, get on the stage, dance like a fool, and enjoy my one beautiful life. Worrying can wait til tomorrow. Snuggling the puppy can’t.