I just don’t want to die without a few scars.
-Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
Disclaimer: You’ll have to bear with me today. My brain is on speed since I had a can of coke for breakfast. I am not responsible for the whiplash that may occur as I alter course and change subjects on a whim. Do please try to keep up.
I like to think I’m adventurous. I like to think I’m fearless and willing to run off a cliff on a whim. I like to think these things, but, deep down, I know I’m not. I’m a chicken when it comes to a lot of things. I want to be spontaneous and then plan what we’re going to do in order to go be spontaneous.
I have this itch though, to go and do something – different. My bucket list includes visiting all 50 states. I don’t consider it a lofty goal, but it’s hard to do whenever talk of a vacation comes up and Josh goes, “Let’s go to Gatlinburg.” In all fairness, I’ve been to Gatlinburg more times than I have fingers, and Josh has been all of 3 times so he hasn’t absorbed as much of the Gatty-ness that is theGreatSmokeyMountains. It does cut into my (stealing the phrase from my mom here) new and different.
We have been trying to plan a small anniversary trip/babymoon for in May. Well, I’ve been trying to plan. He’s been shooting down my ideas. I wanted to go somewhere different (Josh suggested the ‘burg again). I wanted to go to a beach in Michigan. I mean, hell, I’ve lived in Ohio all my life and have never seen a Great Lake (I did go to Put-in-Bay once, but I don’t remember it so it doesn’t count), and Josh, he’s never even been to Michigan! This idea was vetoed.
Next I picked Caesar’s Creek lake/beach area. I don’t remember my visit there, and it’s close to home and different than our usual. Vetoed again.
Got our tax refund, so I planned a trip toNiagara Falls–Canadaside. I was 2 when I went, and, big shocker, Josh has never been to Canada. Other things took precedence over the trip though, and it was soon vetoed as well.
So, again, in an attempt to do new and different, I asked Josh aboutSoutheastern Ohio. So, we planned to go visit one of the state park beaches, and, much to his delight, Josh was going to get to show me aroundAthens. This plan has been pushed on the backburner as well, and it’s well on its way to a no-go as well.
Vacay plans, if any feasible ones surface, will have no choice but to be spontaneous this year. And that’s good. It’s frustrating for my need-to-plan gene that I’m sure I have, but it’s still good. I need some more bumps and bruises in my life that come from taking a leap of faith. I need more scars to show off.
I have plenty of emotional scars to show off. I’m a very emotional girl. I feel things. Like, I really feel them. When I see the sad puppy commercial with the dying animals, I feel it. I cry. I make Josh change the channel. I want to adopt them all. I have no blinders on my emotions. They come in great spurts. I halfass a lot of things in life, but my emotions are on full speed, all the freakin time. It sucks sometimes. I’m never in the middle. I’m never just content. I’m over the top excited or down, way down in the dumps. I’m a scorching hot summer day, not a cloud in the sky or I’m a blizzard in the heart of winter terrorizing the streets and pulling down power lines. My emotions have no middle ground.
So, when I’m angry, that anger consumes me. Josh doesn’t get this. He’s always like, “Just let it go.” Pshh, if only I could. If only it were that easy. I feel more than anything, dude. You’ve always known that. You need to just let go of the notion that I will ever just let something go.
My mind also moves at the speed of sound. Sometime’s Josh just can’t keep up. I’m up. I’m down. I’m left. I’m right. I think it’s why I get so bored so easily. I need mental stimulation at all times. Down time is not in my repertoire. But I have no good scars to show for this off the wall brain function. I’m a better safe than sorry kinda girl. I need to be more adventurous. I need to be more motivated. It’s such a paradox being so mentally active and so physically lazy. I could do great things…if I wanted to ever get off the couch.
Random photo time!
Maisy loves her new chicken jerky – the one from the commercial with the annoying late and her collie
Discovered this on our US Bank online account – it made me smile because it’s the first time I’ve ever seen our names together written in his handwriting. I’m a dork. I know. ❤
How far along? 25 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain/lost: +5
Maternity clothes? Bought my first few this past weekend
Stretch marks? Roar. I’m a tiger.
Best moment of the week: Adventure Day on Sunday
Missing anything? Subway
Movement? Lots and lots – saw her kick yesterday!
Cravings: anything I can cram into my mouth
Anything making you queasy or sick? nope
Have you started to show? Yep, but I think I still just look fat.
Gender? Lil Miss Ellabelle
Labor signs? nope
Belly button in or out? in
Wedding ring on or off? On
Mood: really weepy lately
Looking forward to: My shower next week! =)
So there isn’t much on the baby front to report. I’ve been weepy. It sucks. I cry for no reason. She’s still a little wiggle worm, and she’s apparently decided to try and break free from my belly – through the belly button. She scoots up against my belly, and it feels like she’s pushing with all her might. It is very uncomfortable. She kicks like crazy, and, for the first time, last night, both of us saw her kicking. That was pretty cool. Nothing else to report on the itty bit.
I have to get something off of my chest about this baby growing business though. I’m going to be honest about it – I hate being pregnant. Like hate it, hate it. I find almost no redeeming quality about being “with child.” I’ve heard of women loving being pregnant. I thought I’d be one of them. No. Didn’t happen.
I never had that glow everyone talks about. Nope. Not unless sweat from the exhausting process of throwing up everything, including water, counts as a glow. I don’t see anything enjoyable about having to buy new clothes you won’t (hopefully) have to wear after this whole experience is over. I don’t like the roadmap my stomach has become because my genetics suck, and I’m one of those lucky women who grows stretch marks like the yard grows weeds. I hate my shoulder blades aching constantly. Not being able to bend over anymore. Having to have Josh help me off the couch every time I get up. The constant feeling of having to pee, and then the pressure of a baby on the bladder that makes it almost exhausting to actually pee. I’m tired of my hips feeling like they’re trying to literally tear away from one another and rip me in half. I don’t want to have to wear a belly band to keep gravity from adding more pressure to my already achey legs. I don’t want to give any more blood, take any more test, have my cervix examined, or be poked and prodded again. And don’t even get me started on how much I’m looking forward to the actual act of giving birth.
It doesn’t make me a bad mom. It doesn’t even make me a bad woman. My body is made to do this; that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about all of it. I just hate people who say it’s such a gift to be the one to carry the baby and bring new life. It is. I’ll admit that. This is something very special only I get to do. I get to grow a person. I will miss the feeling of her inside me once she’s here, but I certainly won’t miss the pain and discomfort the whole situation has caused. I want control of my body back.
July cannot get here soon enough. End vent.
This is my life:
This is how life usually looks:
Life is really just a giant game of tetris. The pieces fall, and, sometimes, they fall right into place. Others they stack up funny, and you’ve got to start all over. And that’s life. It speeds up and pieces fall so fast you feel like you’re going to freak out. Panic sets in. You’ve got find a way to get everything back down to a manageable level before it hits the top of the board. Other times, the pieces click and fall away easily.
We’ve got plenty of pieces hovering up in the deck. Let’s hope we have that straight piece fall right into place for us.
I’m not sure how cohesive this post has been. It seems pretty pointless as I look back at it. I don’t know if I really even connected back to the point the whole thing was suppose to make. Either way, from the little box that is the window I can see out, I can tell it’s sunny and green outside. That means a Maisy walk is in store for me tonight! I love Maisy walks. I’m so looking forward to the weekend. Josh works Saturday and Sunday night, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t still have a good weekend. Major nesting is in order. Plus, lots of Mommy-Moo snuggle time. 🙂