My five year old

Baby Bee,

How it's been 5 years since you've made your entrance into the world is beyond me. I wonder how I ever lived without you in my life. The two feelings contradict each other yet it's the reality of being a mother.


It's a big year for you.

You're starting kindergarten. You'll finally get to ride "your" bus to school.

You're starting your first dance season. You'll get to be in your first recital. I know you'll love it since you still talk about the one we went and saw last December.

I'm looking forward to another festive season starting with pumpkin patches and Halloween which leads to Thanksgiving and the whole wonderful Christmas season. I can't wait to see you teaching your sister all about Santa.

You're growing into such a fascinating person. You definitely have your own opinions on pretty much everything, and you aren't afraid to share them.

You're so funny and so smart. You say these big words that always shock me when they come out. Like "competition" and "delicious". You say "oh my gosh!" with such emphasis that I crack up every time. You're gross like your daddy and think fart jokes are funny.

You're such a sweet big sister. You love to hold hands and give hugs to Matilda. You also like to try and boss her around, but she doesn't put up with that. Your relationship continues to blossom and grow in ways I could only have hoped for.

You're always running your mouth. You always have something to say or a direction to give. And you're also obsessed with directions. You know how to get places you've only been once. You yell at us if we go a different way than you're familiar with. It's insanely impressive.

You're strong willed and pigheaded. It gets you into a lot of trouble. However, you're also the gentlest soul. You get your feelings crushed very easily which I totally relate to. I hope I can help you learn to deal with your emotions better than I do. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing though. You're so tender with the animals and you want to say hi to every single bird, squirrel, dog, cat etc.

You love watching American Ninja Warrior and Big Brother. You are obsessed with snacks and candy. You hate bedtime because you don't want to miss anything. You can read a few books and can count to (at least) 100. You amaze every thing single day with how smart you are.

It is a privilege to be your mommy. We have been so lucky since day one, and I hope you know just how loved and cherished you are. You make me laugh and you make me mad, but at the end of the day you will always be my first real joy in the life. If I do nothing else right with my life, you and your sister will be testament enough that I excelled. I love you so much. I hope you had the best birthday.

Thanks for making a mommy. I love you.

Love forever and ever,

July 5th jotting

I didn’t write the last two days. I forgot on the 3rd because my children were being holy terrors after spending the day with their grandparents (which is to be expected but still exhausting), and we were literally busy all day with the 4th. Ok, I had about 2 hours to write while everyone else napped, but I updated my 33 apps that needed updating instead and then this happened:

So sorry, not sorry. 

Anyways, I reexamined my list I picked of writing prompts, and I decided they kinda suck. So I’m back to winging it. 

So here we are. July 5th. And I’m so exhausted from our day yesterday. We were up and running from 10am til 10pm. The girls were cranky tonight. I’ve been cranky all day. I got sunburnt on my legs at the parade and have to take ibuprofen to be able to bend my knees without pain. 

So, the writing for the 5th isn’t really inspiring tonight. All I can think is:

1) Ow pain on knees. Red. Burning. Hot. 

2) Our house is under attack by cluster flies. Josh sprayed all our windows with some sort of bug death spray and hopefully they’ll all die. We’re perplexed to what drew them into the house. They weren’t here when we left for work, and we came home to them all over the outside of our windows. It wasn’t the trash can or anything because they aren’t drawn to food like other flies. So we’re stumped. Hopefully, they all die. That’s not very nice to say, but they’re creepy and freak out the girls and drive the cats crazy. 

3) Yah! Tomorrow is already Thursday. 

4) Boo. Tomorrow is only Thursday. 

5) It’s my grandpa’s 88th brithday. It’s amazing that he’s made it this far considering I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without a cigarette in his hand. Longevity runs deep in the Fulmer blood. 

6) I love my bed and my pillow and I’m going to curl up with my stinky dog and go to sleep. 

Jotting In July Day 2

Day 2 – where I’d like to be in 10 years

Ok, 2027 – 

I’ll be getting ready to turn 40. 

I’ll have a 12 years old and an almost 15 year old. 

I’ll be on year 11 working with city.

Going on anniversary 21 of dating and 16 of marriage. 

All of that feels really overwhelming and almost impossible, but I’m sure once I’m there it’ll feel like it happened in a blink of an eye. 

Where I want to be is pretty simple. 

A house completely our own. 

A few promotions in at work. 

Some financial stability. 

Finally lost my baby weight. (After 12 years, could I even consider it baby weight?)

That’s it. 

I mean if I’m making a dream list I’d add that I had more traveling under my belt. I went on a cruise and visited another country. I had a new car and another dog. In a dream world, Maisy will still be here. Old and cranky but still my sweet puppy dog. 

Mostly, I just want to be happy. Are my kids happy? Is Josh happy? Am I happy? Yes to all three – then that’s all that matters. Now. Tomorrow. 10 years from now. 

Jotting in July

So I’ve decided to challenge myself to write every day this month. I was just going to fly off the cuff and see where my writing takes me. Then I decided to look at Instagram for some prompt ideas and found a 30 day challenge and I was like “why not?” I’m aware that July has 31 days, but that 31st can be for something fun. 

Ok, Day 1 – Current relationship

Well, this one is pretty simple – Joshua. We’ve been married for 6 years (six?!!?) and we’ll have been together for 11 years in November. I realized the other day that it won’t be much longer till we’ve been together long let that I was alive without him which is honestly mind boggling. We’ve had so so many up and downs. We’ve grown and changed as time has gone on, but we work through things and it makes us stronger. He drives me crazy and makes me so mad, but I feel so lucky to have him. He handles my quirks and my OCD (as well as another person can). He talks me down when I start planning too big, but he lets me dream and soar. He’s my biggest fan and my #1 supporter. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m the luckiest girl even if he is a jerk sometimes. 

He’s not at all what I expected to end up with but that’s how love works. We’re proof that opposites attract. He’s got a big expressive personality. I prefer to hide in the shadows. He a big, joke making goofball. I’m generally pretty quiet. He loves scary movies and loud angry music. I love chick flicks and happy pop music. He’s a homebody who could sit in the house for days and be happy. I like to constantly have something to do. He’s laid back. I’m high strong. He goes with the flow, and I like lists and agendas. He forgets everything. I remember everything. We’re still learning to adjust to these things. The one thing we both have in common is that we’re stubborn so trying to live with someone so different is hard when neither of you want to budge on your stance. But today we cleaned and reorganized our bedroom and we didn’t fight at all! That’s the first time ever I think. We both strive every day to be the best parents and people we can and we love and respect each other. That’s really all I can ask for from him.

Oh and he bought me a puppy. That’s something every guy should do for his girl. He’s still living off those brownie points. 

Let us raise a glass of butterbeer

“He couldn’t know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: ‘To Harry Potter — the boy who lived!'”

There are moments that become emblazoned into your memory. It’s like you can clearly see what happened even years later. I was in my 8th grade English teachers classroom. She had two bookcase with books on both sides. I had gone up to get a book. On the second from the top shelf, right in the middle, was a thick green paperback book. I clearly remember it because it became a huge part of my life after that. 

Harry Potter entered my life in the 8th grade, and the whole universe never really left. I made the weird mistake of starting with book 4. Weird because books 1 and 2 were actually sitting at my house long forgotten. A gift from a family friend that neither my sister or I had wanted to touch. But it didn’t matter. I started reading and was a little confused, but I was hooked. 

I spent so much time exploring the halls of Hogwarts and avoiding trouble with the trio. I knew every teacher and what class they taught. I could tell you what spells did what and how to correctly pronounce them. I laughed at the twins antics. I cried when my friends died. I cringed in embarrassment when Luna did something painfully awkward and later marveled at her ability to be oblivious to it. I sympathized with Hermione and eye rolled along with her as she dealt with the problems of two teenage boys. 

I stood in line to get my book at midnight. I attended midnight movies showings. I stayed up and read the 6th book in just about 15 hours. I’ve read and written fanficition. I love been sorted on Pottermore. I tattooed the star emblem on my shoulder. 

As a young girl, I found Hermione to be a know it all, and I fought the inclination that I was anything like her. However, as I’ve grown, I’ve realized that I am in fact a Hermione, and I have embraced all that that means. There’s nothing wrong with being a super smart girl who kicks ass and takes names and isn’t afraid to voice her opinions and fight for what’s right. She fought discrimination because of her bloodline. She stood up for the weak and helped give a voice to those who didn’t know they needed one (and don’t you dare call it “spew”). She loved her friends more than anything and put herself in harms way just as much as the boys did and provided the solutions to many of their predicaments. 

I’ve also come to realize, that I want to grow up to be Minerva McGonagall. Yet another strong powerful woman who doesn’t allow anyone to make her feel like less just because she is a woman. Once I learned her heartbreaking back story, I fell even more in love with her. She picked her future and herself over love which couldn’t have been easy. She refused to hide who she was and did what was best for her even if it meant sacrificing some of her own happiness. She’s positively purrfect. 

These two characters were two of the first strong females I was introduced to in pop culture. I didn’t realize it til later on just how much they shaped me – how so many of the characters shaped me. 

Harry Potter teaches you to be kind, accepting, open to others, understanding, patient, and that love is the most important thing there is. Without each other we are nothing. The story speaks to much in today’s world – a world divided based on backgrounds that don’t really matter, inequality between different groups, a group of men trying to control everyone and everything. No wonder JK Rowling is so outspoken on twitter against American politics – we’re living her world in the worst possible ways. 

For me, it’s been 17 years since I discovered Harry. It’s crazy to think that anything in the world of fast changing trends and pop culture could stick around for that long. I’m so thankful I picked up that book. These books helped me in times when I didn’t even realize that the pages of a book were pulling me through. It’s been 20 years since the doors to Hogwarts were opened to the world. It’s mind boggling that a seemingly ordinary boy who lived in the cupboard under the stairs would influence so many lives. Thank you, Harry. Thank you for taking us all along through a world of magic and excitement. And thank you, Queen Rowling, for sharing your simple story turned into epic tale with us. The world is forever in your debt. 

Ten Years 💔

Every year, when this day rolls around, it’s always a rough day. Luckily, I was pretty busy today. With all the errands I ran, it kept things off my mind. Doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it. Just managed not to dwell on it. 

When you’re broken, time takes over and eventually you start to heal to the point that you feel like you’re almost whole again. As whole as you can be anyways. And then a certain day comes around, and you crack. You don’t fall completely to pieces because you’ve healed some and overtime you crack less and less, but still those things happen and they cause you to crack and you feel it deep and fresh and it’s paralyzing for a moment. 

10 years.

It doesn’t seem real. Or possible.   

I cannot wrap my mind around that number. 

10 whole years.

It’s not fair. It’s simply just not fair. 

And I’m broken again. 

April isn’t as bad. Memories of birthdays are the easiest to make it through in my opinion. They’re happy days. Days to celebrate because it’s the day this wonderful person came into existence. But death dates, those cut deep. Nothing but sorrow and pain to associated with the day. 

I remember it and can relive the pain so easily yet the details slip away. It was early. My parents were in Florida. I was laying in bed and all my mom said was “She’s gone.” The rest of the conversation is lost to time. I’m sure it had to do with my sister. I’m still mad at her about that day. I think it’s easier to hold on to that because it helps, in a sense, take away from the blunt force pain of the rest. I cried, and I went back to sleep. 

I can’t even put into words still, 10 years later, what this feeling inside is when I think about it. It’s like a white hot, slashing knife through my heart and soul, but that isn’t even enough. It’s just there. It’ll never leave. 

I only got 19 years of her life and I don’t even remember the first 5 years I had. For 69 years, she lived without me. And, for 10 years, I’ve lived without her. It’s not fair. She lived almost her whole life without me. I was just a small piece at the end. And she was just a small piece at my beginning. It’s heartbreaking within itself how little our lives overlapped. Time is very cruel in the grandparent aspect. I got a lot longer than some people. Some people never even get to meet their grandparents. But I want more. 

I miss you, Grandma. I wish you could see my girls and love on them. I wish they had more of you than me trying to pull and share memories. I held my Matilda on my lap this morning and showed her your picture. I told her you were my grandma. That’s all I got in before she wiggled off my lap to go see what her sister was doing. 

I can’t remember the sound your voice anymore. I can’t remember the touch of your hand. I can’t remember the feel of your hug. I know how special they were to me, and I cling to the ghost of them I keep in my memories. It’s hard in a world where everything is documented and saved to not have videos and photos of you. You were gone before smartphones. I have to hold you in my heart and love you and miss you from there. 

10 years. It’s just inconceivable. It’s incomprehensible. It’s simple just not fair. 

It’s summer! ☀️

Yesterday was the official start to summer even though it’s been incredible hot already. I don’t like summer because it’s usually unbearably hot, and we’re living without air conditioning this year. So it’s not been welcomed. 

However – warm weather does mean lots of this happening:

We haven’t taken them to the water playground yet, and I’m not sure how Mattie’s gonna like it because she’s terrified of the shower. So we’ll see how that goes when it happens. 

I may not be a fan of the summer heat, but I do love the exciting things that happen in the summer. We have a ton of birthdays in July (including a big 5th birthday 😱), the 4th, summer ballet classes, and, this year, lots of school prep. I have a feeling it’s going to fly by. 

The last two weekends of spring have been quite busy. Our weeks always slow down because, well, there’s only so much you can do it in the 2 hours we get at home before bedtime for the girls. But weekends are jam-packed. 

We had the Biggs-Rolfes Family reunion on 6/11. It was the 60th annual and also the last. It’s been a summer staple growing up and we’ve continued to go almost every year since I moved out. I like going and seeing all my mom’s cousins and my grandma’s siblings all coming together. I never remember who any of them are (there’s 9 kids in my grandmas generation and the number grows like crazy from there the further down you go). So my mom tries to point out all of them. The girls played with water with Opa and we took them to the playground briefly. 

Unfortunately, Miss Matilda had a full on meltdown in the middle of everything which continued for 15 mins in the car once we scooped her up and bolted out of there which only ended when she finally passed out. Kids, man. They are a piece of work. 

We also had this happen. 😭

My baby is growing up! She loves her big girl bed though. She loves to just go in her room and sit in it. 

On the 13th, Ellabelle had her kindergarten assessment for school. They just talked to her to figure out where to place her knowledgewise in class. Oma took her and then stole her away to go to “the woods” with her and Opa. She’s been talking about going back to the woods since they took her last year. She was so excited once she figured out where they were. Opa told her they were going to the mall. She’s still mad he tricked her 😂

For us, it was a nice break from having two kids especially when the little one does exactly what the big one does. It was an extremely easy and quiet evening. Oh and getting just one kid ready to go in the morning is cake compared to two. Mattie missed her sister though. When she got up that morning, she pointed at Ellabelle’s bed and kept asking “Where Ellabelle?!” 

So, we got Ellabelle back on Thursday after work and the next night we dropped the girls off so they could both go spend the night at their cousin Alex’s house. They both adore Alex so they were so excited. We were excited for another free night with NO KIDS! 

We took the opportunity to go see Wonder Woman. It was amazing. I loved every bit of it. I’m totally a Wonder Woman fangirl now. 

Saturday, we got up and did some deep house cleaning that we aren’t able to do with the girls home – like steam vacing their bedroom. We also napped which was glorious. While we were in our way to pick up the girls, I got a call from Alex saying Ellabelle threw up all over herself in the car. Of course, she did. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Poor thing seems to get so carsick but only at random times. Not sure what the connection is that causes it. We got her cleaned up at the church parking lot they stopped in and, thankfully, most of it was on her and not the car.

I was glad to have my crazy girls home. As much as I enjoyed the break, I miss them like crazy when they’re gone. 

Father’s Day was this past weekend. I got up early with Matilda and made Josh biscuits and gravy for breakfast. The girls gave him his gifts to open and then we went to his dads for a late lunch. My dad had tickets to a reds game so we’re doing Father’s Day with him next weekend. So we had a pretty laid back and low key Father’s Day which is exactly what Josh prefers. “It’s just like any other day,” he always says. 

Poor Mattie was exhausted after the day though. After her nap, we couldn’t seem to get her to stay awake. 😂

For his gifts, We replaced the “you can’t scare me. I have two daughters shirt” that he dried and shrunk last year. He also got a lego mini figure shadow box. The cats and Maisy got him new cats for his cat collection. 

Maisy got him a Stimpy pop vinyl because she thinks he’s as stupid as Stimpy. Bellerz got him a vintage Cringer figure because Bellerz is his real life scaredy cat. Bean got him a Beerus lego mini-figure because Bean expects us to treat him like he’s a cat god. I think he was pleased with all of them. 

At school on Wednesday, it was Hawaiian day so I pulled out the old dance costumes and Ellabelle wore an old hula skirt. 

Mattie, never one to be left out, insisted on wearing the Belle dress. She refused to take it off at the babysitter’s and argued when it was time for bed. She’s so silly. 

So now we prepare to head into another weekend. We’re doing half days to take the girls to the West Chester touch a truck and hopefully it doesn’t rain the whole time like it’s forecasted it will. Sunday is Opa’s Father’s Day and then we start the work week up again. It’s not a superpacked weekend which I’m totally ok with. July is gonna be crazy busy so I’ll take a day or two of rest while I can.